Statistically, I feel like everyone experiences a terrible Christmas at least once in their lives. It's normal to have a bad day, but on Christmas it almost seems criminal to experience. I experienced such a bad day last year when a prolonged anxiety attack paired with crippling depression landed me in the ER on Christmas Day. This year, I've found myself remembering where I was a year ago, and reflecting on what I've learned.

The Christmas season is one that is filled with sensory elements that are unlike any other season throughout the year. There are many sights, sounds, and smells that are so unique to Christmas. And since such things tend to cement memories, this season has been filled with a lot of flashbacks to last year. However, not all of them have been bad. This year, I found myself thinking about what the entire meaning of this season is and realizing just how intentional God is in using everything.

One of the biggest things I learned over this past year was the true value of God's grace. I've gone into detail on this in my book and other blog posts, but it's truly something that I took for granted for a good part of my Christian life. Grace is unmerited favor. Grace is freeing. Grace is healing. Grace is everything. And it's exactly what God sent His son here to accomplish. Because of Christmas, I've been given the gift of grace.

Recently I've been doing a devotional that is a Bible verse a day. I personally (having done a variety of different Bible studies) am really enjoying the small chunk format that this study puts it in for me. It gives me the ability to really break down the context and etymology of each verse, and as a result get more out of it. Yesterday was a jam-packed Christmas Eve and admittedly, I missed my quiet time. I find myself often wondering (even though it's ridiculous) if the day I missed is a word for yesterday rather than today. Neglecting to remember, of course, that God factored in my mishap. Today, I opened up what was supposed to be the verse for yesterday and found that my missing yesterday actually led me to such an important reminder from God today. This was the verse:

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—" - Ephesians 2:8 (NIV)

God reminded me through this that even though last year's Christmas brought a great deal of pain, tears, and memories that I will not soon forget; it also brought a renewed sense of what grace really is. Each year from this year on, I will see Christmas for what it really is: an opportunity to thank God for the gift of His son and the many gifts that come as a result of his sacrifice; one of them being grace.

To the 3 boys who didn't love me back,

I'm writing this open letter not to call any of you out, but rather because I'm finally coming to a place where I can sort out the purpose that each of you served in my life and be thankful for each one. I'm writing this to encourage so many others struggling with unrequited love that there is a purpose in their pain, even if it takes years to find out what it is.

To my first love (if you can call it that): You were the first boy I ever really liked and to some extent even loved. You were kind, funny, smart, and super fun to be around. I liked you not because you were the most popular person in the 8th grade, or because you were super attractive, or even because you had the best style (because really you were none of those things), but rather I liked you because of your personality. You were the first boy I ever really seriously liked apart from the casual, flippant middle school way of a different crush every hour. Yes, it's true you didn't feel the same about me, and yes I would have liked to have been the one to have told you that I liked you rather than someone else telling you, but we both know how 8th grade goes. One thing I appreciated about you though when all was said and done was your graciousness throughout the situation. When we were 14, you handled my heart better than some 24 year olds have since then. Loving you taught me, in this my first real love, that character is the most important thing in a person, and to never compromise on that. Not only because it lasts, but because it's so dang fun to love someone who is fun to be around. Loving you also taught me how to let go. My feelings lasted long beyond 8th grade (a trend that later would be characteristic of all my relationships), but eventually one day I just had to lay it down and move forward. I want to thank you though for your maturity, which was far beyond your years, where you were still my friend even after it was awkward. The friend zone wasn't as painful with you as it has been since then.

To the one who broke my heart: People reading this are going to think you're the bad guy from your pseudonym, but I want to make it clear that you're not. I don't believe that. Granted, the situation sucked and it was more unpleasant than it ever was pleasant, but that doesn't make you a bad guy. In fact, in a weird way I'm thankful for you because out of the three, I learned the most from loving you. You showed me that someone could actually be attracted to me and pursue me, which was something I questioned would ever happen. That became a reality for the first time with you. Unfortunately for you though, you were unknowingly the handsome hero in an imaginary reality that I built for myself within my own mind and when that didn't materialize the way I thought it would, the backdrop of my imaginary reality came crashing down in a crushing wave of disappointment. That part was completely on me. But the whole situation not working out wasn't all on me. Not even close. Even though you said a lot of things you never followed through on and continued in this habit long after you dropped me for someone else, I'm not angry with you...not anymore. This situation was a lot bigger than either of us and believe it or not I still think about you sometimes and wonder what you're doing. Whether your big dreams ever came true or if you have new dreams you want to pursue. Not because I still love you but because I still very much care about you. Loving you taught me how to forgive without a preceding apology, loving you taught me how to believe in someone's potential and encourage them in that, and most of all loving you taught me that I am worthy of a man who would give so much more than I was wanting (and much to my dismay, not receiving) from you.

To the one who seemed perfect: I still don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to think about you. On paper, and quite frankly on every other medium imaginable, you are the whole package. You are everything I prayed for and then some save this one thing: you couldn't care less about me. I've never felt so invisible in my life, not even with "the first love" and "the one who broke my heart." You are the hardest one to reconcile because by all counts it doesn't make sense. But, I'm still thankful because as much as I want to scream at you and tell you what for, loving you has taught me a great deal as well. I've learned how to seek God in my prospective relationships right out of the gate, which is something I was previously not doing. Loving you has taught me to be bold. I've done and said things I never would have done or said if you weren't on the receiving end. And possibly most importantly, loving you has taught me that I'm worthy and deserving of being unashamedly pursued which is something that, although I wanted you to do for a long time, you didn't do and probably never will.

To some degree I still love all of you. And please note I use love in a very loose way really because I don't know another way to describe it. You three are really the closest I've ever been to loving anyone and quite honestly I don't even think the love I have for all three of you even measures up to what real love is like. Mostly though, I still care about all of you. Not for any weird reason, but because you were important to me in one season of my life or another and just because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to doesn't mean I can't still root for you. I don't choose to like trash; I choose people I can see value in. I saw something in each one of you that I thought was worth caring about and your lack of attention doesn't change my posture towards you. It's true you never loved me back and in each instance I had to mourn an imaginary life that would never materialize, but I loved you nonetheless and loving each of you has taught me so many invaluable lessons. Hands down the greatest lesson I've learned from all three of you though is that human love will always pale in comparison to God's love. Where you ignored me, God gave me His undivided attention; where you said I wasn't good enough, God said, "You are good enough through me."; where you broke my heart, God restored it; where you never pursued, God ran towards me unashamedly; where you chose someone else above me, God said, "I chose you and I choose you. You are mine." And whoever does end up getting my whole heart in marriage will be the one to emulate that godly love. I hope you find that too because you deserve it.

Love always,
Megan

Flying can be stressful though. You have to get to the airport like 187 hours early, you have to check in, then wait 70 hours to go through security, and another 58 hours to actually board the plane. Of course, along the way come many other stressors such as outlandish security procedures and countless carry on restrictions. However, usually the one thing on the bottom of the flyer's stress list is their checked baggage getting to their destination.

My church does this really cool 21 day long initiative known as "21 Days of Prayer." Its aim is to get the church to see the power of prayer both corporately and individually in the hopes that they will continue it long after the event is over. We do it twice a year in August and January and this was the first time since joining the church that I'd really wholeheartedly participated.

A couple of weeks before 21 Days, I was distraught. It had been a year since I felt God had spoken to me on the next big thing in my life and yet I was still living in a wilderness of uncertainty. My heart was restless and searching constantly for answers. I went in to this 21 Days asking for an answer and asking for clarification. On the day before it started, I was reading Habakkuk 2. I turned there for verse 3 which says:

"This vision is for a future time.
    It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.
If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,
    for it will surely take place.
    It will not be delayed." 

That encouraged me, but what God was really leading me to was verse 1 which says,

"I will climb up to my watchtower
and stand at my guardpost.
There I will wait to see what the Lord says
and how he will answer my complaint."

As I read I saw that verse 3 was an answer to Habakkuk's fervor in verse 1. I felt Him impress upon me to seek Him the best way I knew how and to not give up until I got an answer. And that's just what I did. Every single weekday morning, I got up and participated in 6 am Prayer. There were some days I dozed off while seeking God, there were some days I contemplated quitting because I wasn't seeing results, but I still went and each morning He was faithful to speak to me and teach me. I participated in each part of this event not out of obligation, but in the hopes that God would keep meeting me and keep clarifying things. And that He did, but not really how I expected.

God did give me clarity on what I need to do next in this journey and that's an answered prayer, but more than that I've learned such an invaluable lesson: trust in God includes trust in his timing and method of fulfillent. This sounds obvious, and it's not new information but rather a new revelation. I've been learning that God's character is worthy to be trusted and He is faithful to what He promises. Just because I don't see an answer in front of me doesn't mean He isn't working. I am at peace with the yet to be fulfilled promises in my life because I have learned to trust in God. I am at peace as a result of seeking God in these 21 days. On this the end of the 21 days, God reaffirmed what He taught me by reminding me of the following verse:

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you." - Isaiah 26:3

He is keeping me in a place of perfect peace because my mind is focused on Him and because I'm trusting Him with my uncertainty. I didn't come out of this time of intense prayer with the results I thought I would, and quite honestly my situation hasn't changed much, it's actually gotten a little worse. However, I'm continuing to pray and continuing to trust that this will be part of my testimony when the Lord does come through. And He will.

By definition, to leap is "to spring through the air from one point or position to another." I think the most crucial part of that definition is not the act of springing, but rather where the subject is springing to. The definition says that the subject (the person doing the action) springs from one position to another. This requires movement.

A couple of years ago, I went on a trip to a week-long student trip with my church. These are my absolute favorite. I love pouring into students' lives and seeing them further their relationship with Christ. However, this one was probably the most challenging one I have done in my 5 years serving in student ministry not because of the students but because of the nature of the trip. This wasn't a week long trip in a 5 star hotel, or even a hotel at all to be honest, it was a week long CAMPING trip. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate being outside. I just don't like it. I don't like being hot, I can only stand so long being cold, there are bugs and random animals outside, one usually gets dirty outside; I'm just not about it. But I sucked it up and went on this trip because I love students so much. One of the activities of the day was a time for us to swim in the lake there, and one of the most popular attractions during that time was the high dive. It consisted of a wooden structure in which you had to climb a million stairs to get up to. Somehow, the students convinced me to try it and so I conceded. I swear, students can pretty much get me to do just about anything and it's really just because I love them so much that I don't want to disappoint them. So I climbed what felt like 800 stairs to the top and as it neared my turn I got more and more nervous. I'm not typically afraid of heights, but it still gives you the willies to look down and see how far up you are. It was finally my turn and the only advice the lifeguard gave me was, "Make sure you pencil dive so your arms don't hit the water too hard." Seemed easy enough, until I couldn't do it. I waited there for a good minute or so trying to hype myself up enough to just jump already! I eventually did, but in the chaos, I forgot to put my arms down and they hit the water so hard that I had bruises underneath for the next few days.

We all get to points in our lives where we are required to step outside of our comfort zone, trust God, and jump. But I've found that at least in my life, I'm terrible at it. The idea of trusting God is good in theory but when it comes to actually getting ready to jump, I shrink back to what's comfortable. But what I neglected to realize is that this is actually a really unhelpful strategy if I want to move forward in my situation.

I was talking to my friend Trevor the other day and he said something in passing that stuck out to me, "A ship can only be steered if it's moving." I'd never thought of it that way but he's right! If a ship is docked, the wind can't direct the sails because there's no movement.

Look at these two verses and see what they both have in common with the metaphor about the ship:

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
    He delights in every detail of their lives. - Psalms 37:23 (NLT)

We can make our plans,
    but the Lord determines our steps. - Proverbs 16:9 (NLT)

Did you catch it? Both include the word, "steps," which implies movement just as the ship metaphor does. Perhaps God's given you a dream for your life or you are in the middle of a tough situation, but I'd venture to say that God can't move in your situation unless you do. He can only direct if you are moving. This is absolutely revolutionary, in order to move forward, you've got to move. I know right? Groundbreaking. But I think so often we expect God to miraculously fix our situation or just hand us our destiny on a silver platter when that's not how God works at all. Christine Caine says that God tends to work with those who are already working. If you look at a lot of the characters in the Bible, they had to step out in faith, not knowing if things would turn out as hoped, and trust that God would take care of them.

For so long I've been standing on the wooden high dive of my situation ready for God to do a miracle and get me to the water already when I haven't even moved at all. I'm no closer to the water if my feet stay planted on the platform than I am if I am standing at the bottom of the stairs. See the difference between where you are and where you want to be is movement. God will step in and handle the impossible, but you've got to jump.

"What if it doesn't turn out the way I hoped?" That's a real question and I'd venture to say the great heroes of the Bible like Ruth, Esther, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego etc. all thought that same thing at one point or another. But they all still stepped out in faith? Why? I think there are a few reasons:

1. They knew that nothing would change if they didn't try. Esther couldn't save her people if she didn't try to plead with the king. Ruth couldn't have moved on from the tragedy of her situation and even been in the lineage of Jesus if she didn't step out in faith and present herself to Boaz. Sure your situation might go the opposite direction of what you want but what if it doesn't? Isn't the possibility enough to make you want to try?

2. More importantly, they trusted that regardless of the outcome, God would be there for them. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego knew that death was a possibility, but they trusted that God would come through for them. Weren't they in denial then? I don't think so, because they weighed the negative outcome. Daniel 3:18 says,

"But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

Even if He doesn't save us. Even if we die in that fire, God is there. What's the "worst case" in your situation? Sure you might get bruised, but the water is still there to break your fall. Sure you may get hurt, face rejection, or straight up fail but God is still there to break your fall. He won't let you down.

I've come to realize that one of the biggest schemes of the enemy is the "half-truth." Sure destruction and division are big ones too, but I'd argue that all of the schemes of the enemy derive from half-truths. That doesn't sound very intimidating right? Well I'd agree. However, the primary goal of the enemy is not to intimate or scare, it's to separate. And half-truths do just that.

When I was younger, I used to watch re-runs of a show from the 70s called "Three's Company." I don't really know why I was so into it, but nonetheless, I watched it pretty much every night around 10 or 11 pm. I remember always getting so frustrated because every single episode the conflict or problem the plot was based around was always based off of hearsay. Two individuals would be talking and another character would overhear them at just the right moment in the conversation for it to be awkward or scandalous. Then they would go and spread it around until eventually the conflict blew up and resolution came when everything was explained. I remember thinking that all of this could have been avoided if they would have just minded their own business, or gone straight to the source (or perhaps have been a better spy and heard the whole conversation). But you know, what's interesting is that what the overhearer heard wasn't completely a lie; they heard it with their own ears and based on their reasoning and flawed human imagination, the scandalous scenario was birthed. However, what if they had heard the rest of the story? Would division have happened? Would anxiety and worry arise? Probably not because in context it would have made sense. This is exactly the harm a half-truth can cause and I know this because I fall for it far more often than I'd like to admit.

Case in point: today I was perusing Pinterest because, I don't know, I'm a basic 24 year old woman. And actually, Pinterest is my favorite social media because I don't feel like I'm competing with people I know, rather I actually am relaxed and inspired by all of the different things I come across! Quite honestly, I usually don't have to worry about seeing something on Pinterest that might make me anxious or uneasy like facebook might; except for today. Today I came across something one of my friends had pinned about defense mechanisms and where they stem from. I clicked on it because psychology intrigues me. As I looked at it I began to look at some of the behaviors I exhibit as a defense mechanism and it made a lot of sense; I was really identifying with it! However, I came across one defense mechanism listed and I was actually really bothered by it. It was "spiritualization: it's all a divine plan." Yep, alongside other such negative behaviors like cynicism was something I never considered to be negative at all! It really threw me for a loop. How can a lot of this make sense and this one thing stick out as inherently wrong?

My sister has a saying she adopted from the internet and she uses it when there is seemingly conflicting evidence from both sides. She says, in usually a fairly humorous tone, "What is the truth?" And that's exactly what I was feeling, but I couldn't let it go.

I took a walk and started to really contemplate the truth of psychology, my faith, and a plethora of other abstract things. Then it dawned on me (thank you Jesus), "What if it's neither all right or all wrong?" I felt an urging to contemplate the truth of what I was confused about. What if spirituality is a defense mechanism? Are all defense mechanisms negative? I realized this was yet another half-truth that the enemy was trying to get me to buy into to separate me from the Lord and I was not going to buy it!



I realized there are some people that buy into what I like to call, "Wimpy Christianity." Wimpy Christianity is the idea that when you're a Christian, you don't have to do anything, that God will just come in and magically fix everything in your life. What's funny is Wimpy Christianity is another half-truth the enemy likes to plant to keep Christians lukewarm. Of course you're still going to go through trials and of course Christianity requires you to get up and walk through it. I thought about how some people must view Christianity as a crutch and that we just "explain away life's problems and never deal with them." I laughed when I realized how false that actually is! If people knew anything about the opposite of Wimpy Christianity, Boss Christianity, then they would know that it actually requires you to work through your problems and face them head on! It requires you to address your insecurities. Do we have all the answers as to why things happen? That's a big resounding no! Heck, I'm confused about that 90% of the time. But here's where the half-truth gets us, do we believe that there's a divine plan? Absolutely. However, although those who ascribe to Wimpy Christianity stop there and wallow in their pain, Boss Christians realize it's a part of a divine plan, yes, but pick themselves up and walk through it.

I also realized that this shouldn't be news to me. Of course it's a defense mechanism, mostly against the enemy! I'd venture to say the Bible pretty much backs me up on this. When he tries to get us to believe that everything is hopeless, we play defense with, "It's all a divine plan. He works all things together for my good." I also realized that alongside the negative defense mechanisms were other positive ones like "sublimation: turn it into art." How many of the greatest and most beautiful pieces of art have been birthed this way? More than we can count! And is it negative? Absolutely not! Who says all defense mechanisms are negative?

Don't let half-truths trip you up. Although the alternatives may be scary, face them head on and weigh the options. Often I think you'll find the truth is somewhere in the middle.

There's a popular cartoon floating around the internet that depicts a cartoon heart alongside a cartoon brain. In each the theme is the same: the brain thinks things through and the heart follows what it feels. This is one of my favorite ones:



I find that I identify with the brain character more. However, I hate that about me. I wish a lot of times that I was more like the heart. Why does it matter? Well, although they are all in good fun, I find that the brain is depicted as the smart reasonable one and the heart the crazy, impulsive one. The brain is always reigning the heart back in while the heart overreacts with immense emotion illustrated usually in speech bubbles plagued by caps lock. Sometimes I don't want to be reasonable and I'd love to be a little more impulsive! This, and I know I overthink things 101% of the time and I really wish I didn't. I don't know about you, fellow overthinkers, but I tend to ignore what my heart says and I've found that it actually does more harm than good especially when it comes to my relationship with Christ.

One of the first messages I heard when I came back to the faith in college was on the wickedness of the heart. The pastor was speaking about how silly the phrase, "follow your heart," was for Christians because of the presence of sin in our lives. I get that, and I don't deny it, but unfortunately what I think happened is from then on I discounted what my heart said and only followed my mind. This worked for a while until I realized that my mind was just as wicked as my heart.

There is such a thing as knowing too much and it is painful. Soloman empathizes with this when he says,

"The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow." - Ecclesiastes 1:18

It's good to think through things intelligently, but too much of it can be harmful. I think the saying, "ignorance is bliss," holds some relevancy here. I say this because on more than one occasion, I've short circuited my brain with overthinking over things that I can't explain. I've never admitted this on my blog really, but I was diagnosed at a young age with an anxiety disorder that is due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. Some disorders come along later in life with the presence of a traumatic life event, but unfortunately, my parents saw signs of this in me from as early as age 4. Fast forward to 20 years later and I'm in the midst of the worst battle I've ever had with it. Most of the attacks were fueled by themes dealing with crippling anxiety over questions such as, "what if I lose my salvation?" and, "what if I don't believe at all?" No matter how much I tried to reason with myself, I could not gain certainty on these things and that's important because anxiety demands certainty; when it can't get it, we are back to spiraling because, "but what if?" However, throughout this battle, often with tears rolling down my face, my heart felt certainty when my brain had anything but that. I couldn't figure it out. Wasn't my heart wicked? Should I trust my heart at all? But shouldn't I if it's the one that's on the right track right now?

However, I realized (yet again) that my all or nothing thinking was not biblical at all!

"If you believe in your heart, and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, you will be saved." (paraphrase of Romans 10:9)

My church says this phrase a lot, as I'm sure many other churches do as well, but familiarity breeds complacency and so as such I heard it every week without ever really hearing it. But one day, again in the midst of a struggle with anxiety, I realized that we are asked to believe with our hearts NOT our minds.

Even in one of the most famous of scriptures, there it was again!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

It doesn't say trust with your mind, but your heart. In fact it pleads with us not to depend on our own understanding of things.

This is not to say that we should completely discount rational thought or that our minds don't play a role in belief, because that would have us wandering around like the heart in that cartoon. But we shouldn't discount the heart either unless one wants to have the same fate as I did. Rather, I think the relationship between the mind and the heart is symbiotic; they both need the other to survive. God was very intentional about giving us both and as such, I think there's a balance on how they should be used. One should filter rash emotions coming from the heart into rational thought and vice versa.

Recently, I have been struggling with severe doubt that quite honestly terrifies me and triggers the worst anxiety imaginable. I know what I believe and I feel the presence of it in my heart, but I have so many questions I cannot explain. One blogger hit the nail on the head when she said,

"The moment I begin to contemplate some of the stories, promises, and principles in the Bible from a strictly cerebral perspective doubt begins to creep in. Think about it: water turning into wine, multitudes being fed by a few loaves of bread and a couple of lousy fish, a sea parting so that people can cross without learning the backstroke, little guys killing giants, dead people coming back to life...come on! Sounds like something from a Tolkein novel."

I can identify with that! But the thing is, and many have harped on this over the years, the very principle of Christianity relies on faith and the opposite of faith is not doubt, it's certainty. I'd even argue that some doubt is essential to faith because the very act of faith asks us not to be certain about things. I can't explain the oxymoron that is "virgin mother." I have no idea how Jesus was all man but all God at the same time. I can't explain how miracles from the Word and in real life happened and still happen. But I know, mostly in my heart, that it's real and so I'm waiting for my mind to catch up.


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For those of you struggling with doubt, first know you are in good company. Don't forget Thomas was prone to doubt and God still used him. As well as the man who exclaimed, "I do believe, help me in my unbelief!" The same can be said for Mother Teresa, Charles Spurgeon, C.S. Lewis, and more. Although doubt is pretty taboo in the church and is hardly ever talked about, more people struggle with it than you realize. I did want to share a couple of blogs that I found especially helpful though. Perhaps the insight will benefit you as it did me.

Doubting God by Diane Markins
The Doubting Christian by Jason Boyett

Last week I wrote a blog about waiting and recently waiting has been the biggest area of challenge for me; God is really teaching me patience and trust in this season of my life. As such, waiting has been popping up everywhere and it's given me time to think and meditate on my crucial response to this test. On Monday, I was present for a sermon by a pastor at my church that really gave me a lot to think about. One of the points that really hit home for me was this, "Do I really believe that God will come through for me?" As soon as I saw the words on the screen, I took about 30 seconds to really just let that set in and ponder it for myself. "Do I really believe that? What hinders me from believing it? What am I afraid of? What would it look like to walk in confidence of what God has promised? What will it look like when He does come through?" And as I was praying about it on my way home I came to a conclusion. God will answer this prayer in one of three ways: yes, not yet, or no. Each answer is solid and unwavering. God doesn't change His mind because He doesn't need to; He already knows the end. So as I was praying I thought about each possibility and really gained a new understanding through it. I'd love to share what I've learned with you.

1. If yes, God will fulfill it. I don't need to do anything.
One of the coolest things in the sermon I mentioned earlier was what my pastor said about trying to make things come about of our own power. He said that a lot of us carry pressure we were never meant to carry to fulfill things within our life, because that pressure is supposed to be on God! Put the pressure on God! He can handle it! The God who created the entire world is strong enough to take on your life's pressure. Rest knowing that if the answer is yes, you're not going to miss it.

2. If no, God will let me know and walk me through it.
My biggest fear in praying for things so dear to my heart is this option right here. I know that the reality is that God may say no and I know this because there have been many things in my life that I have prayed for that have been very clear "no's." Even though I know He does this because it's in our best interest, I can usually only see that perspective when I'm on the other side. When I'm in the moment, my desire is so clear to me that for it to be "no" seems as if it's the end of the world. Because of this, I asked God to let me know clearly in a way that I won't be able to ignore and to walk me through the pain that comes with it. Yes, it may hurt if it's a "no" that you really wanted to be a "yes", but it's not the end of the world. It just means there's a different path planned. But know that you're allowed to be upset; God can handle that too.

3. If not yet, God will give me peace.
This one is my new favorite and the one I want to spend the most time on. That's huge for me to say because I hate waiting so I'm always wanting to hear, "yes," rather than, "not yet." But recently, I've laid down my stubbornness and started to grasp the idea that my resisting waiting is not making it go faster, it's just making me miserable! In some situations though, waiting is just that. There's no ulterior motive on God's end, you're just waiting for the perfect time for God to drop the answer to your prayer in your lap. In other words, if you're waiting but through much prayer you still feel like what you're praying for is something God's ordained and He's not said, "no" to then it may just not be time!

As a teacher, I truly can say I love my job and my kids, but I also have to honestly admit that I do have some pet peeves. They range from tattling to asking to go to the bathroom at inopportune times. However, one of the biggest ones that just irritates me to no end is when students tell me it's time to go to lunch when it's not quite time to go yet. I know this sounds dramatic, and I think I have a pretty good deal of patience with my students, but this one thing just grinds my gears. Usually, this is how it will go down: we are in the middle of instruction of some sort, but still have about 3 minutes before it's even acceptable for me to let them leave (I get in trouble as a teacher too you know). It will look as if I'm not paying attention to the clock given that I'm on the computer or very much involved in what I'm teaching. I have to say, to put myself in their shoes, this seems like very valid evidence! However, 9 times out of 10 I'm completely aware of what time it is because I'm just as hungry as they are! Inevitably though, someone will pipe up and say, "Miss French, it's time for lunch," as they point knowingly to the analog clock on the wall that's often a little inaccurate. I first suppress the anger that rises up within me and then once I've done that I say, "I know what time it is, you've still got a couple of minutes."

As I've said before, the Lord often teaches me things through my experiences with teaching and this is no different. I identify with my students on this level of impatience. They are so focused on eating and their desire to do so that they often lack reason. They are so blinded by hunger, and a bit of fear that they won't be able to eat lunch, that they forget all of the other days that I have let them out not only on time, but one minute early.

I know I do this with God! I know He's promised me something and He's shown me a lot about it, but as the clock ticks closer and it doesn't look like He's remembered what He said, I continue to remind Him as if He's forgotten. Now the difference between me and God is that He loves me so much that He wants me to continue to ask and doesn't get frustrated with me when I do. But regardless, just like I know what the clock says, so does God. And don't you think He desires to give us the things that we pray for as much if not more than we do?

His word promises to not withhold that which is good for us and sometimes that includes the desires of our heart, but the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. Try shifting your perspective. What if you're waiting not to make you miserable, but because it's not ready yet? If you take a half baked cake out of the oven before it's done, sure the sugary batter might satiate your sweet tooth, but will it be nearly as successful as if you had waited?

What if you are desiring the right thing, but you must acquire patience so that you can stay the course to see it through? If it's truly "not yet," you have such a crucial decision here: do I get frustrated and give up and never see and receive God's best plan for me come to pass, or do I stick with it through the momentary uncomfortable to see and receive God's best?

In my prayer, I asked for peace. I asked for this because I know just how difficult it is to stay the course with patience and contentment. I once heard that we think of peace all wrong. We think of peace as silence, stillness, and harmony. While that may be the case, we can't fully understand peace until we are faced with something that's anything but peaceful! Peace is best understood in the face of opposition. Peace is the calm while the storm is raging around you. Peace is the beauty in the midst of brokenness. Peace is resting knowing that God's got this in the midst of uncertainty.

This is where it changed for me. Don't get me wrong, my feelings didn't change at all, but rather they were redirected into their rightful places. I'm not perfect at it, but just knowing that this situation is out of my control gives me such peace and rest. There is nothing I can do to expedite God's timing, and how arrogant of me to think that I could! I am constantly choosing to believe that God will come through even if it's in the realm of "not yet." And until then, we've just got to remain faithful in doing the last thing God told us to do.

Can I level with the ladies for a second here and talk about my hair? My hair is so bizarre because if I just leave it to dry on its own, it's very frizzy and randomly wavy. Like it's not even cute beach waves either, it's just a mess. So, as a result, ever since I discovered the flat iron in the 6th grade, I've been straightening my hair nearly every day since; I prefer the way my hair looks straight to how it looks naturally. However, the entire time I've been doing this, I've always said I'd love to just find a way to style my natural hair so it looks good because I actually don't love straightening it every day; it's a ton of work and it kills my hair. I'm also really tired of going to my hairdresser and having them yell at me for it the way a dentist yells at a patient who doesn't floss. Recently, I asked one of my stylist friends what they would recommend and she recommended using a curl enhancing product and drying it with a diffuser. So, about 2 weeks ago, I tried it. Surprisingly, I didn't hate it. Even more surprising was the response I got from the people around me. I had tons of people ask if I had gotten a hair cut or asked what I had done differently. I'd also been told many times how beautiful it looked and as I began to do it more and get used to seeing myself with my "new hair", I started to believe what they were saying. One day, I looked in the mirror and actually felt happy and comfortable with my hair and the way it looked and thought how funny it was that after all that time ruining my hair with a flat iron, I felt more beautiful with my natural hair.

God uses really simple, everyday situations to teach me really complex lessons and this was one of them. Through this, I began to really realize that I was created with hair that was not straight the way I wanted it, but rather had some sort of natural curl to it. God created me that way intentionally because He, in His perfect ways, thought that Megan would be more beautiful with wavy hair (God forbid) rather than straight hair. But what I did was ruin the very beauty that I was meant to radiate all along in response to insecurity.

As humans (and especially women) we are very aware of our flaws and will do everything we can to rid ourselves of them. Whether it's an extensive skincare regiment, expensive clothing budget, or the plethora of products we will shell out tons of money for in an effort to perfect ourselves, we are always looking for a way to fix what's wrong. What if we didn't try to fix what was wrong but rather embraced it? What if the true beauty we are looking for is not behind our attempts to rid ourselves of flaws, but rather is within the very flaws themselves?

I want to switch it up a little bit for this blog post and just share a personal testimony of something that happened to me the other day in hopes that it will encourage you in some way, shape, or form.

If you didn't really know me, you'd be surprised to know that I'm actually very susceptible to timidity. It's strange because I don't really put off that vibe on the surface, but if you really know me you know that this couldn't be more true. I hide a lot behind false confidence, but by and large when it comes to big things I'm really timid. Unfortunately, my relationship with God is subject to this sometimes as well. It's a very large undertaking for me to be bold in my relationships because I've experienced so much rejection in the past. This is specifically the case when asking others for things. I'm not 100% sure of the reason, but I've somewhat gathered that it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't want to give people a reason to reject me so I don't ask for things given that it might come across as my being a burden; it's easier to do it myself because I know I won't get let down or I won't be too much for someone. Again, this is seen in my relationship with Christ. However, I've recently really just been praying for boldness to step outside of my comfort zone with others. This might mean that I initiate conversation with someone I don't know super well or I go up and talk to someone I've never met. Both very normal things, but very difficult for me! I've also been really working on boldness in my prayers with God. However, as all habits go, I fall back into timidity sometimes.

The other day I was driving to work and usually on my way to work I start my day off with prayer in my car. I had a particularly frustrating evening the night before and I was just really flustered about a great deal the next morning. When I was expressing all of my concerns to God, it was less like coherent thoughts and more like scattered fragments. I was literally so annoyed that I had no idea what I was even needing God to help me with. I continued on with this for a short while until I stopped at a stop light next to a church. Normally, I don't pay any mind to this church but for some reason (most likely the Lord) I was led to look out my passenger window. I noticed they had changed the sign. You know the one, the old school one you have to manually spell out the message with black block letters. What I read was not just a catchy phrase designed to draw people in, but to me it was God speaking to me. The sign read:

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FOR YOU?
Luke 18:41"

The verse mentioned is the ending to an account where Jesus heals a blind man. The blind man calls out twice to Jesus and says, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" To the human mind, we wonder what did he do that he needs mercy for? One would assume he means his blindness, which was viewed as sin at this time, but one cannot know for sure. That is, unless you are Jesus. However, what Jesus asked next was the verse that I saw on the sign. He said, "What do you want me to do for you?" Why did He ask that? He's the Messiah, didn't He already know?

Most likely the answer is, yes. But, I have reason to believe that Jesus asked this of the blind man because He wanted the man to ask Him specifically for what he needed. I think God does this sometimes so that when He answers our prayers, we have no other person to give credit to but Him; everything is for His glory, especially answered prayers. His word implores us to come boldly to the throne and to ask and ask again (a principle that was actually mentioned at the beginning of the very same chapter).

As I read this and pondered the boldness I knew God was trying to teach me, I chuckled and took it as a very blatant hint that I needed to be specific. You see, when I was rambling on, I was skirting around everything that I actually wanted to ask Him for in fear that I would be a burden, that He would be frustrated for my asking again, or even for fear that what I was asking for wouldn't come to pass. However, boldness takes courage and sometimes that courage is as simple as stepping out and being real with God.

When you're around the church long enough, you start to notice something I like to refer to as, "Christianese." Christianese is the cliche jargon that 98% of Christians are guilty of using. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad and it's really not in an effort to be exclusive; it's actually fairly harmless. It's a basic concept of anthropology, really; the Christian culture has a specific way of teaching which includes certain words and phrases that people use a lot.

I grew up in church. I know; I can almost hear the groans, "Oh here we go, another Christian testimony that begins with 'I grew up in church,' never heard that one before!" but bear with me here. Growing up in church, I was overly exposed to the Christian culture, and as a result the corresponding Christianese. I could probably write a dictionary outlining each one with what it means, it's part of speech, and extensive examples each used in a sentence. It's good to be exposed to Christian culture; it's not good though when you become numb to key concepts because you are so used to hearing about them. That happened a lot with me and one of those concepts was grace.

Up until recently, the concept of grace was one I had head knowledge about, but lacked full heart knowledge about. I knew what it meant, but I didn't know what it meant. I've heard it defined as, "unmerited favor," and as I'm learning what it really means, I think it's the perfect definition for the concept.

I always sort of accepted grace for others first. I was quick to encourage others that it didn't matter their weakness; God's grace covers it and they are able to succeed because of it. Or I confused it with mercy (very similar ideas but vastly different. God's mercy overlooked our sins, grace allows us to come to Him). Or I would allow it to cover "small" things like a battle with bitterness or slip-ups that I was comfortable admitting. It wasn't until I was forced to accept grace that I really understood what it meant.

I don't say forced because I mean God forced me; rather I got to a point where I legitimately could not survive on my own without it. It was in my greatest struggle that I finally realized that I was trying to do everything on my own; I wasn't comfortable coming to God with my struggles because I was ashamed and I really genuinely felt like God would not give me grace. It was when I finally gave up and took a literal leap of faith to decide to trust that, even though it didn't feel like it, God would come alongside me and walk with me in my struggle, that I started to understand grace.

Teaching has taught me a lot about God's love. That may seem weird, but Jesus was the most legit teacher there ever was so it actually makes a ton of sense. Anyway, sometimes God really reminds me of how I interact with students in certain situations and uses it to help me understand His role in my life. He did this when He was teaching me the concept of grace. It was almost as if He said to me, "Megan, when a student fails, whether it's behaviorally or academically, do you automatically write them off and never give them another chance or help them to do better in the future?" I thought to myself, "Of course not! I always try to help them see their errors, encourage them, and allow them more chances." He said, "Then how much more will I do the same for you?"

As I thought more about it there were a couple of students I thought of. One specifically is one of my GREATEST challenges. He is very animated, opinionated, and it takes every ounce of patience I have to not lose my cool sometimes. But, I see his potential (which is a lot) and I know he's a good kid (even though he tries so hard not to be) so I constantly try to encourage him and also correct him but in a way that helps him to see where the flaw lies and correct it in the future. Each time he walks into my classroom I know he will probably mess up again, but even though he doesn't deserve it, I still work really hard to be kind and loving to him and help him when he does fail. I thought to myself, "This is so what God does with me, but on a greater and more perfect scale."

I was reading in Psalms and the following verse stuck out to me:

"You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded
in your book. 
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed." -Psalms 139:16

It was one I've seen so many times before, but with my new revelation of grace, I realized the weight of that statement: God saw my entire life before he even started creating me. He knew I would fail, He knew I would struggle, and yet He still chose me.

Grace isn't something God gives because it's an obligation; grace is the power that allows us to walk our Christian life. Grace doesn't mean we won't struggle; it gives us the power to struggle well. I finally realized no matter how many times I failed and no matter how great the failure, I could turn to God and He would reach out his hand, help me get up, and continue walking. That's one of the most powerful treasures of the gospel. I think I'm finally starting to understand why grace is so "amazing."

"Rate it on a scale of 1-10." That is one of the most common phrases for a nurse or doctor who is waiting on a patient with pain for a variety of diagnosable issues. We know that a 1 is usually something along the lines of a bump into a table and a 10 is a detached limb. But what's so interesting is that what is a 1 to one person might be a 5 to another because we all have varying degrees of pain tolerance and intensity based on varying factors such as nerve sensitivity and lack of previous experience with pain. Do you notice, however, that the doctor or nurse never questions the number given, they just work on diagnosing and fixing the problem from there? Why don't we do that with people around us?

We don't get to decide the severity of another's pain. We just have to trust that if we cannot empathize with that particular struggle, that it doesn't mean it isn't valid and it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

This is a concept that I think we have to really be careful of as Christians. Our faith is one that is unique in the sense that it offers freedom to all who accept it. However, I think we get so caught up in helping others using Christianese phrases like, "claiming victory" that we forget that sometimes even after we are saved we can walk through pretty thorny valleys where pain can be all that is felt. Pain is not something we can put on a blanket scale because what is a 1 for one person may be a 5 for someone else.

I also don't think God works on a "pain scale." His word doesn't say, "suck it up and get over it," but rather is says things like:

"You keep track of all my sorrows.
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book." - Psalms 56:8 (NLT)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." - Psalms 34:18 (NLT)

"For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 (NLT)

Jesus guaranteed us that we would have pain. He did not promise a Christian life apart from pain. But He did promise to be there the entire time and offers hope because He has overcome the world. That's what makes Christians different from the world: we know that we can have hope for the future because of Christ but we still might suffer with some of the very same things that the world does. Christianity merely changes how we suffer. So yes, victory is ours through Christ, but as long as we are on this side of heaven, pain is a part of our journey.