Ahh dating. Arguably the most confusing human experience. Add Christianity and its standards to the already confusing nature of it, and you have a truly confounding predicament. As a single Christian woman with the high hopes of not being one one day (Lord, let it be so), I find myself wishing we could just go back to the days of dating with intention. You know, the ones likened to Pride and Prejudice where the man says exactly how he feels and just straight up asks her to marry him? No frills, no stringing along, just intention. There's nothing sexier than that, ladies, am I right?

But much to the dismay of what we find attractive as far as intentionality goes, we find ourselves, as Christian women, walking through our twenties (and sometimes beyond that) looking for a meaningful relationship only to be met with nothing but confusion. In the midst of the dating scene, we have a purgatory-like phenomenon I like to refer to as the "flirtationship." Perhaps you'd even go as far as to say that you're in a "relationship", but it is "complicated." Walking through either of those feels a lot like walking through a dark wood with a dying flashlight barely illuminating your way: confusing and frustrating. So given that I'm not qualified to speak on behalf of men, I've compiled a list of 6 things I want my fellow ladies to remember that I hope will bring peace and some freedom in the midst of this bewildering experience.


1. Christ never sent mixed signals to the Church
I hate mixed signals. They are reckless for both the receiver and the giver. They are perhaps the biggest cause for confusion in any relationship. However, they're super unbiblical and here's why: the biggest picture we have of Biblical marriage (and if you're not dating to marry then why are you dating at all?) is that it is to mirror the way Christ loved the Church. So here's what I want to challenge you with: did Christ ever send mixed signals to the Church? Do we ever have any real reason to doubt how much He truly loves us given that He died for us for all the world to see? So if you're getting mixed signals from him, it's possible he also has mixed feelings in how he feels about you. Or maybe he knows how he feels about you, but he's not willing to act on that. If that's the case, remind yourself what standards you have when it comes to dating with intention and decide if you really want to base your happiness on someone who can't even decide if they like you or not. You should never have to wonder how he feels about you; he should be willing and eager to make it very clear to you.

2. He who finds a wife finds a GOOD thing
Proverbs 18:22 states that "he who finds a wife finds a good thing." I get two things from this. One, ladies you are a GOOD thing. You are not a burden. You are not the "old ball and chain." You are a blessing to your future husband. Two, you must be found. I don't mean this to come across as if you are "lost" without a spouse. That's actually far from it. But rather, your worth requires pursuing. The Bible tells us that we are worth far more than rubies (Proverbs 31:10). If we are searching for something of value, like rubies, we usually have to keep what we want and the value of it in the forefront of our minds. This is because along the way, there are many other shiny distractors that might cause us to lose sight of what we were looking for. Think about it. How many times have you gone into a room looking for something only to get distracted by something else? Love, you must be searched for and pursued because you are often unknowingly being hidden behind a host of other distractors for your man's attention. If he's getting distracted along the way, it's possible he doesn't really have your value in the forefront of his mind. In other words: he's lost sight of what he's searching for.

3. Your worth is dependent on God's standard, not man's
As a woman who is called to wait to be pursued, lack of pursual can feel a lot like rejection, and that can be a serious blow to one's self esteem. And unfortunately, especially in today's day and age, it doesn't take much: his leaving your text on read for hours at a time, not messaging you back, paying a lot or a little attention to you depending on the day. I could go on. But what I think what we fail to realize is that we have no business letting men's actions (which a lot of times are unintentionally hurtful) determine our worth. Especially given that often they are based on such trivial things as an unreturned text. Our worth is based on God's standard through the grace of Christ's sacrifice on the cross which means that it's invaluable. The Bible also states that we are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), so basing our worth on anything else other than what God says about us, is the house built on sand: unstable. Say it with me ladies, "My worth is not dependent on whether he messages me back or not. My worth is not dependent on whether or not he talks to me today. My worth is not that fragile; I am made in the image of God."

4. The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person
At the end of the day, as painful as it is to hear, you may be lying in wait because he's simply not ready to handle the responsibility of a relationship. He might be great for you in every single way and match up to everything you ever prayed for, but if it's not the right time, then he's not the right person. This is the hardest truth to swallow because you feel so close, but so yet you are so far at the same time. And friend, let me tell you: you can try to fix him all you want so that "right time" will be "now", but at the end of the day the only one who can fix him is the Holy Spirit, and even that requires him to be willing to change.

5. It's nothing until it's something
This is something my roommate, Sarah, says all the time and I love it because it's so simple yet so true. You're either dating or you're not. You're either in a relationship or you're not. None of this in-between crap. If your man is not willing to commit, there's something else going on there. If you're being loved the way Christ loved the Church, where you stand with him will never be ambiguous. And if the beauty of Christ shining through you doesn't make him want to pursue you with the fervor of 1,000 suns, then he's probably looking for something else entirely. And let me tell you, friend, you don't want to emulate what he's looking for because chances are, it won't last.


6. "Men trust God by risking rejection; women trust God by waiting."
This is a quote by a woman by the name of Carolyn McCulley. I make it its own separate point because I think it brings up some crucial truths. God calls women to wait. He does this not because He wants to punish us, or make us weak, but because He knows deep down we long to be pursued. Likewise, He calls men to pursue and risk rejection not because He wants them to "man up" or get hurt, but because He knows deep down they long to do the pursuing. In the midst of this waiting game, it can start to feel like you're waiting FOR your future spouse, but let's not get it twisted here: your obedience is not for him; it's for God. It would be super easy to just walk outside of that and choose the next person that walks down the street, but I think if you look within your heart and find that you really desire knowing and loving Christ and His best for you, you won't be able to bring yourself to do that because you are far too in love with Him to do otherwise.

Dear sister, at the end of the day, you are looking for a prince to compliment you as a princess to the ultimate King. Don't put this man on a throne he was never meant to sit on. Don't seek out man's approval for your source of worth and confidence. Pray about it and submit it to God. If you're anything like me, your desire to know how he feels about you is less about clarity and more about control. You feel like if you could just know how he feels, then you would be able to get the ball rolling and exit this season of unwanted singleness already. But, I'm sure you know as well as I do that is rarely how it works. You might still have those feelings towards him and that's normal, but we've got to really let go and trust God in this midst of this, ladies. We've got to really start trusting that if this is the man you are meant to be with, God will bring about a holy boldness within him that will eradicate any trace of confusion in your mind.