As humans, we are more inclined to take the easy way out, yes, but we are also often known to go for a challenge if we can see a reward. I’m like 99% sure it’s a psychological principle. We are wired to persevere regardless of how painful it is if there’s a reward worth receiving at the end of it. I know this is true because I see it every single day with my students. Reading and writing are not their preferred method of entertainment. As such, they are inclined to try to find the easiest (and often most ineffective) way to get through it. Now, if they’re making a Tik Tok, you best believe they are going to invest the time and energy to develop the idea, execute it, edit the video, and add effects. I once had a student tell me that it took them 2+ hours to create it when it was all said and done. 2 hours. For a 30 second video. For what? Likes. Now to me, likes are cool but not 2+ hours cool. I’d rather take that time to read a book, but our rewards are different and thus our motivations are too. Nonetheless, it's still a lot of effort for both of us even though we are doing things we like to do.

The thing is, even though we are wired to do hard things, it doesn’t make them easier, it just makes them possible. Christianese translation: hard things are still hard.

Being a Christian is kind of like this. Scratch that. Being a Christian is often like this; being a Christian is almost always hard. I’m not sure why a lot of us walk around acting like it’s not because to me, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s hard to live for God when the rest of the world isn’t. It’s hard to maintain standards when many people around us do not respect them, much less uphold them. It’s hard to maintain purity in a world that is so dead set against obliterating it. Christianity is just hard. I think many of us, myself included, had this expectation that living for God was something that was supposed to make our live better. The problem is, we grossly misinterpreted the meaning of “better.” Either that or our version is vastly different from God’s.

I think about Job. Job was a faithful man. He did everything right and was considered, "blameless," which in that time was pretty legit since Jesus hadn’t stepped onto the scene to make us all new and whatnot. But you know what, his faithfulness did not make him immune to suffering. In fact, I would venture to say that he got the worst out of it compared to people who were far less faithful to God. To me, that seems imbalanced and unfair. To me, that doesn’t make a bit of sense. But yet, I remember that the only perfect man to ever live didn’t have a fair run of it either.

And as if that initial shock of loss or disappointment for Job wasn’t bad enough, the most agonizing part, I would imagine, would be the bit in the middle. In the middle, he still had to remain true and choose not to curse God and give up although it would have probably made things easier. Friends, the hard part often isn’t the loss, it’s dealing with the consequences of that loss in the battle between our flesh and our spirit. The hard part is not giving up on living God’s way even when it seems like that might alleviate the suffering. The hard part is still choosing to praise God even when it looks and feels like he’s taken everything from you. Anyone can do something hard for a short period of time. It’s when that time period becomes significantly longer that many of us quit. But unfortunately, it’s only when we don’t give up that we see the reward. With the exception of maybe salvation, Christianity doesn’t really give participation trophies.

You see, living for God does make your life better, but it’s a long game; often we don’t see the payoff right away or even in our lifetime. That’s not glamorous and it doesn’t really sell Christianity all that well; it’s actually somewhat disheartening if I’m being honest. But the reason I think I feel that way is because so many things in this world are quick and easy, and what makes it tricky is that it’s not universal. What may be quick and easy for one, is slow and grueling for the next. And suffering, like reading and writing for my students, is not our “preferred method of entertainment,” so we want that quick and easy fix. God never promised easy. God never even promised fair. But here’s what he did promise: hope, peace, grace, his presence, and abundant life. So I know that if I am missing those things, I’ve either got to refocus, remain patient, or both. After all, God did restore Job’s fortune to more than what he had before, and the story ends in chapter 42:17 when it says, “Then he died, an old man who had lived a long, full life.” Let’s hold out for that long, full life. A life that can only be found when we choose to continue to do hard things.

One of my friends jokingly refers to this blog as a dating blog. On one hand he's right; I post a lot about relationships here because that's the season I'm in. Sue me. But recently, I've really felt led to actually live up to that stereotype with this post and here's why.

This week, I've been reading a book by Lisa TerKeurst called, It's Not Supposed to Be This Way. In it, one of the things she challenges her readers to do is to use their pain to help other people. That's always been my motivation in my story with anxiety and depression, but somehow, this most recent season felt different. I almost felt like my heartache wasn't important enough to share with others. I felt like my testimony wasn't drastic enough to share. I now know that is a lie. So all jokes aside, I'm speaking out on something that I cannot seem to find any authentic, Christian wisdom on because I feel like it's about time I used this pain for encouragement rather than its usual discouragement. Today I am writing about breakups.

Now, let me preface this by saying that this post will in no means be a post that blames anyone nor will it be a pity party; that never does any good and it's lazy. Rather, I really and truly just want to bring awareness to something I've noticed, through my own journey, that we, as Christians, are largely unequipped to handle. Since we are called to love and serve the Church, we come across a wide variety of people. I don't know much about statistics, but it stands to reason that a good percentage of our congregations are dealing with this exact thing in one capacity or another.

All of this to say. I think we, as Christians, could use some practice at handling breakups and here's why:

It's seen as the exception not the rule

The rule is, you date, you get engaged, you get married.
The exception is, you breakup.

Perhaps this is not true of your Christian culture, but I know it's true of what I've seen. Now, there's nothing wrong with this. It's a part of Christian culture because intentional relationships are a part of what we believe in. But what happens when that intentional relationship just didn't work out? We say we date to evaluate. But the thing is there's a 50/50 outcome here; you either breakup or get married. We are equipped for half of that equation. When we are unequipped for the other 50%, we can inadvertently alienate a whole subgroup of people.

I remember when I was going through my breakup, one of the first emotions I felt was embarrassment. Why? Because as Christians, we almost expect couples to make it to marriage. We have this idealistic view of relationships sometimes. We perpetuate this idea that if you can just find someone, everything else will fall in line. We are really great at giving advice about finding that someone, but that's usually where that wisdom stops.

You know who has a lot of advice about breakups? Cosmo.
You know who doesn't? Christians.

It's sad to say, but I have heard very few Biblical teachings on breakups and the very real pain that comes along with them. We just don't talk about it! Which is a problem because statistically that's a whole half of people that are struggling through this almost blindly.

The problem is, what we perpetuate through this expectation is very dangerous. Because of the fact that it's almost expected that the couple makes it to marriage, if they don't, it's almost as if we unintentionally project some sort of scrutiny on them. It's easy to feel like there's something wrong with you if your relationship didn't work out in a secular setting, but add in the pressure of Christian dating and that's not just another ballgame, it's the entire World Series. It's easy to feel ostracized in the Christian community because you and your significant other didn't make it. It's easy to feel like you don't measure up.

It's one of the most helpless feelings in the world to suffer through a breakup, and it's even worse to feel like you're alone and misunderstood in the midst of it. As the church, we are called to bear one another's burdens. We are called to walk with people and lead them to Christ, but we can't do that if we aren't equipped.

So what do we do? How can we minister specifically to people grieving from breakups? These are 5 things I think we can do as Christians to help usher our brothers and sisters back to a sense of normalcy like many of the members of my community did for me.

1. Give them time
Just as no two people are alike, no two experiences of grief are alike. There are many factors, most of which are psychological, that contribute to a person's experience with grief. The trick here is that there is no timeline for grieving. In fact, even after the initial process is over, grief has a way of still lingering about. It's messy and it's frustrating for everyone involved. But the thing is, it's a normal reaction to a loss. In fact, synapses that have been made in the brain are legitimately dying. There is more than just metaphorical death when breakups occur. Because of this, people need time and they need permission to take that time whatever it looks like for them.

2. Give them grace
There's a very real chance that during the grieving process, people will not feel like or act like themselves. This is normal given that it's a psychological phenomenon and messes with your emotions and even your personality. As Christians, we should have grace for that. Notice I didn't say we should accept it blindly. We should never run rampant with our emotions. In fact, there were a few times I did this and I had friends who called me out. And rightfully so! But in the midst of it, offer abundant grace because breakups are hard; it's very easy to not only lose the other person but also yourself too.

3. Give them space
Although it's not good to isolate oneself during a breakup, there is a place for solitude. In fact, I truly believe some of my most healing moments came from times where I was able to be alone with my emotions. I was able to sort through them, cry, pray, and honestly just spend time doing things that I enjoyed. It was in those moments where I had space that I began to rebuild myself piece by piece. If they don't want to talk about it, don't make them. If they need to be alone instead of going out with friends, let them. That is them listening to what their soul needs and that is healthy. That space is likely crucial to their healing, and your understanding as their community means more than you think.

4. Give their feelings validation
Our emotions are real and they are valid; we feel them for a reason. If we didn't have emotions, we'd walk around like robots and that's not at all what God intended. It does no good to suppress our emotions, nor does it do any good to let them reign. Regardless, we feel them just the same, and when we feel them, often we just need to know that what we are feeling is normal and that it is valid. Even if we don't understand someone's pain, it doesn't make any less valid. Just a simple acknowledgement of this truth can bring so much freedom to someone who is struggling.

5. Give them a hug
And for the love of God, give them a hug from time to time. So much healing can be transmitted from a simple hug from one believer to another. The best part? You don't have to say anything.

Yes breakups are awkward. Yes they're uncomfortable. But they're also an opportunity for ministry. The Bible says in Psalms 34:18 that God is close to the brokenhearted. Since we are vessels for God's plan for healing and freedom for people on this Earth, that means we must be close to the brokenhearted too. Breakups aren't just an opportunity, it's our responsibility to be the hands and feet of Jesus to our brokenhearted brothers and sisters.

I've come to realize that one of the biggest schemes of the enemy is the "half-truth." Sure destruction and division are big ones too, but I'd argue that all of the schemes of the enemy derive from half-truths. That doesn't sound very intimidating right? Well I'd agree. However, the primary goal of the enemy is not to intimate or scare, it's to separate. And half-truths do just that.

When I was younger, I used to watch re-runs of a show from the 70s called "Three's Company." I don't really know why I was so into it, but nonetheless, I watched it pretty much every night around 10 or 11 pm. I remember always getting so frustrated because every single episode the conflict or problem the plot was based around was always based off of hearsay. Two individuals would be talking and another character would overhear them at just the right moment in the conversation for it to be awkward or scandalous. Then they would go and spread it around until eventually the conflict blew up and resolution came when everything was explained. I remember thinking that all of this could have been avoided if they would have just minded their own business, or gone straight to the source (or perhaps have been a better spy and heard the whole conversation). But you know, what's interesting is that what the overhearer heard wasn't completely a lie; they heard it with their own ears and based on their reasoning and flawed human imagination, the scandalous scenario was birthed. However, what if they had heard the rest of the story? Would division have happened? Would anxiety and worry arise? Probably not because in context it would have made sense. This is exactly the harm a half-truth can cause and I know this because I fall for it far more often than I'd like to admit.

Case in point: today I was perusing Pinterest because, I don't know, I'm a basic 24 year old woman. And actually, Pinterest is my favorite social media because I don't feel like I'm competing with people I know, rather I actually am relaxed and inspired by all of the different things I come across! Quite honestly, I usually don't have to worry about seeing something on Pinterest that might make me anxious or uneasy like facebook might; except for today. Today I came across something one of my friends had pinned about defense mechanisms and where they stem from. I clicked on it because psychology intrigues me. As I looked at it I began to look at some of the behaviors I exhibit as a defense mechanism and it made a lot of sense; I was really identifying with it! However, I came across one defense mechanism listed and I was actually really bothered by it. It was "spiritualization: it's all a divine plan." Yep, alongside other such negative behaviors like cynicism was something I never considered to be negative at all! It really threw me for a loop. How can a lot of this make sense and this one thing stick out as inherently wrong?

My sister has a saying she adopted from the internet and she uses it when there is seemingly conflicting evidence from both sides. She says, in usually a fairly humorous tone, "What is the truth?" And that's exactly what I was feeling, but I couldn't let it go.

I took a walk and started to really contemplate the truth of psychology, my faith, and a plethora of other abstract things. Then it dawned on me (thank you Jesus), "What if it's neither all right or all wrong?" I felt an urging to contemplate the truth of what I was confused about. What if spirituality is a defense mechanism? Are all defense mechanisms negative? I realized this was yet another half-truth that the enemy was trying to get me to buy into to separate me from the Lord and I was not going to buy it!



I realized there are some people that buy into what I like to call, "Wimpy Christianity." Wimpy Christianity is the idea that when you're a Christian, you don't have to do anything, that God will just come in and magically fix everything in your life. What's funny is Wimpy Christianity is another half-truth the enemy likes to plant to keep Christians lukewarm. Of course you're still going to go through trials and of course Christianity requires you to get up and walk through it. I thought about how some people must view Christianity as a crutch and that we just "explain away life's problems and never deal with them." I laughed when I realized how false that actually is! If people knew anything about the opposite of Wimpy Christianity, Boss Christianity, then they would know that it actually requires you to work through your problems and face them head on! It requires you to address your insecurities. Do we have all the answers as to why things happen? That's a big resounding no! Heck, I'm confused about that 90% of the time. But here's where the half-truth gets us, do we believe that there's a divine plan? Absolutely. However, although those who ascribe to Wimpy Christianity stop there and wallow in their pain, Boss Christians realize it's a part of a divine plan, yes, but pick themselves up and walk through it.

I also realized that this shouldn't be news to me. Of course it's a defense mechanism, mostly against the enemy! I'd venture to say the Bible pretty much backs me up on this. When he tries to get us to believe that everything is hopeless, we play defense with, "It's all a divine plan. He works all things together for my good." I also realized that alongside the negative defense mechanisms were other positive ones like "sublimation: turn it into art." How many of the greatest and most beautiful pieces of art have been birthed this way? More than we can count! And is it negative? Absolutely not! Who says all defense mechanisms are negative?

Don't let half-truths trip you up. Although the alternatives may be scary, face them head on and weigh the options. Often I think you'll find the truth is somewhere in the middle.