My church does this really cool 21 day long initiative known as "21 Days of Prayer." Its aim is to get the church to see the power of prayer both corporately and individually in the hopes that they will continue it long after the event is over. We do it twice a year in August and January and this was the first time since joining the church that I'd really wholeheartedly participated.

A couple of weeks before 21 Days, I was distraught. It had been a year since I felt God had spoken to me on the next big thing in my life and yet I was still living in a wilderness of uncertainty. My heart was restless and searching constantly for answers. I went in to this 21 Days asking for an answer and asking for clarification. On the day before it started, I was reading Habakkuk 2. I turned there for verse 3 which says:

"This vision is for a future time.
    It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.
If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,
    for it will surely take place.
    It will not be delayed." 

That encouraged me, but what God was really leading me to was verse 1 which says,

"I will climb up to my watchtower
and stand at my guardpost.
There I will wait to see what the Lord says
and how he will answer my complaint."

As I read I saw that verse 3 was an answer to Habakkuk's fervor in verse 1. I felt Him impress upon me to seek Him the best way I knew how and to not give up until I got an answer. And that's just what I did. Every single weekday morning, I got up and participated in 6 am Prayer. There were some days I dozed off while seeking God, there were some days I contemplated quitting because I wasn't seeing results, but I still went and each morning He was faithful to speak to me and teach me. I participated in each part of this event not out of obligation, but in the hopes that God would keep meeting me and keep clarifying things. And that He did, but not really how I expected.

God did give me clarity on what I need to do next in this journey and that's an answered prayer, but more than that I've learned such an invaluable lesson: trust in God includes trust in his timing and method of fulfillent. This sounds obvious, and it's not new information but rather a new revelation. I've been learning that God's character is worthy to be trusted and He is faithful to what He promises. Just because I don't see an answer in front of me doesn't mean He isn't working. I am at peace with the yet to be fulfilled promises in my life because I have learned to trust in God. I am at peace as a result of seeking God in these 21 days. On this the end of the 21 days, God reaffirmed what He taught me by reminding me of the following verse:

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you." - Isaiah 26:3

He is keeping me in a place of perfect peace because my mind is focused on Him and because I'm trusting Him with my uncertainty. I didn't come out of this time of intense prayer with the results I thought I would, and quite honestly my situation hasn't changed much, it's actually gotten a little worse. However, I'm continuing to pray and continuing to trust that this will be part of my testimony when the Lord does come through. And He will.

By definition, to leap is "to spring through the air from one point or position to another." I think the most crucial part of that definition is not the act of springing, but rather where the subject is springing to. The definition says that the subject (the person doing the action) springs from one position to another. This requires movement.

A couple of years ago, I went on a trip to a week-long student trip with my church. These are my absolute favorite. I love pouring into students' lives and seeing them further their relationship with Christ. However, this one was probably the most challenging one I have done in my 5 years serving in student ministry not because of the students but because of the nature of the trip. This wasn't a week long trip in a 5 star hotel, or even a hotel at all to be honest, it was a week long CAMPING trip. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate being outside. I just don't like it. I don't like being hot, I can only stand so long being cold, there are bugs and random animals outside, one usually gets dirty outside; I'm just not about it. But I sucked it up and went on this trip because I love students so much. One of the activities of the day was a time for us to swim in the lake there, and one of the most popular attractions during that time was the high dive. It consisted of a wooden structure in which you had to climb a million stairs to get up to. Somehow, the students convinced me to try it and so I conceded. I swear, students can pretty much get me to do just about anything and it's really just because I love them so much that I don't want to disappoint them. So I climbed what felt like 800 stairs to the top and as it neared my turn I got more and more nervous. I'm not typically afraid of heights, but it still gives you the willies to look down and see how far up you are. It was finally my turn and the only advice the lifeguard gave me was, "Make sure you pencil dive so your arms don't hit the water too hard." Seemed easy enough, until I couldn't do it. I waited there for a good minute or so trying to hype myself up enough to just jump already! I eventually did, but in the chaos, I forgot to put my arms down and they hit the water so hard that I had bruises underneath for the next few days.

We all get to points in our lives where we are required to step outside of our comfort zone, trust God, and jump. But I've found that at least in my life, I'm terrible at it. The idea of trusting God is good in theory but when it comes to actually getting ready to jump, I shrink back to what's comfortable. But what I neglected to realize is that this is actually a really unhelpful strategy if I want to move forward in my situation.

I was talking to my friend Trevor the other day and he said something in passing that stuck out to me, "A ship can only be steered if it's moving." I'd never thought of it that way but he's right! If a ship is docked, the wind can't direct the sails because there's no movement.

Look at these two verses and see what they both have in common with the metaphor about the ship:

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
    He delights in every detail of their lives. - Psalms 37:23 (NLT)

We can make our plans,
    but the Lord determines our steps. - Proverbs 16:9 (NLT)

Did you catch it? Both include the word, "steps," which implies movement just as the ship metaphor does. Perhaps God's given you a dream for your life or you are in the middle of a tough situation, but I'd venture to say that God can't move in your situation unless you do. He can only direct if you are moving. This is absolutely revolutionary, in order to move forward, you've got to move. I know right? Groundbreaking. But I think so often we expect God to miraculously fix our situation or just hand us our destiny on a silver platter when that's not how God works at all. Christine Caine says that God tends to work with those who are already working. If you look at a lot of the characters in the Bible, they had to step out in faith, not knowing if things would turn out as hoped, and trust that God would take care of them.

For so long I've been standing on the wooden high dive of my situation ready for God to do a miracle and get me to the water already when I haven't even moved at all. I'm no closer to the water if my feet stay planted on the platform than I am if I am standing at the bottom of the stairs. See the difference between where you are and where you want to be is movement. God will step in and handle the impossible, but you've got to jump.

"What if it doesn't turn out the way I hoped?" That's a real question and I'd venture to say the great heroes of the Bible like Ruth, Esther, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego etc. all thought that same thing at one point or another. But they all still stepped out in faith? Why? I think there are a few reasons:

1. They knew that nothing would change if they didn't try. Esther couldn't save her people if she didn't try to plead with the king. Ruth couldn't have moved on from the tragedy of her situation and even been in the lineage of Jesus if she didn't step out in faith and present herself to Boaz. Sure your situation might go the opposite direction of what you want but what if it doesn't? Isn't the possibility enough to make you want to try?

2. More importantly, they trusted that regardless of the outcome, God would be there for them. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego knew that death was a possibility, but they trusted that God would come through for them. Weren't they in denial then? I don't think so, because they weighed the negative outcome. Daniel 3:18 says,

"But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

Even if He doesn't save us. Even if we die in that fire, God is there. What's the "worst case" in your situation? Sure you might get bruised, but the water is still there to break your fall. Sure you may get hurt, face rejection, or straight up fail but God is still there to break your fall. He won't let you down.

I've come to realize that one of the biggest schemes of the enemy is the "half-truth." Sure destruction and division are big ones too, but I'd argue that all of the schemes of the enemy derive from half-truths. That doesn't sound very intimidating right? Well I'd agree. However, the primary goal of the enemy is not to intimate or scare, it's to separate. And half-truths do just that.

When I was younger, I used to watch re-runs of a show from the 70s called "Three's Company." I don't really know why I was so into it, but nonetheless, I watched it pretty much every night around 10 or 11 pm. I remember always getting so frustrated because every single episode the conflict or problem the plot was based around was always based off of hearsay. Two individuals would be talking and another character would overhear them at just the right moment in the conversation for it to be awkward or scandalous. Then they would go and spread it around until eventually the conflict blew up and resolution came when everything was explained. I remember thinking that all of this could have been avoided if they would have just minded their own business, or gone straight to the source (or perhaps have been a better spy and heard the whole conversation). But you know, what's interesting is that what the overhearer heard wasn't completely a lie; they heard it with their own ears and based on their reasoning and flawed human imagination, the scandalous scenario was birthed. However, what if they had heard the rest of the story? Would division have happened? Would anxiety and worry arise? Probably not because in context it would have made sense. This is exactly the harm a half-truth can cause and I know this because I fall for it far more often than I'd like to admit.

Case in point: today I was perusing Pinterest because, I don't know, I'm a basic 24 year old woman. And actually, Pinterest is my favorite social media because I don't feel like I'm competing with people I know, rather I actually am relaxed and inspired by all of the different things I come across! Quite honestly, I usually don't have to worry about seeing something on Pinterest that might make me anxious or uneasy like facebook might; except for today. Today I came across something one of my friends had pinned about defense mechanisms and where they stem from. I clicked on it because psychology intrigues me. As I looked at it I began to look at some of the behaviors I exhibit as a defense mechanism and it made a lot of sense; I was really identifying with it! However, I came across one defense mechanism listed and I was actually really bothered by it. It was "spiritualization: it's all a divine plan." Yep, alongside other such negative behaviors like cynicism was something I never considered to be negative at all! It really threw me for a loop. How can a lot of this make sense and this one thing stick out as inherently wrong?

My sister has a saying she adopted from the internet and she uses it when there is seemingly conflicting evidence from both sides. She says, in usually a fairly humorous tone, "What is the truth?" And that's exactly what I was feeling, but I couldn't let it go.

I took a walk and started to really contemplate the truth of psychology, my faith, and a plethora of other abstract things. Then it dawned on me (thank you Jesus), "What if it's neither all right or all wrong?" I felt an urging to contemplate the truth of what I was confused about. What if spirituality is a defense mechanism? Are all defense mechanisms negative? I realized this was yet another half-truth that the enemy was trying to get me to buy into to separate me from the Lord and I was not going to buy it!



I realized there are some people that buy into what I like to call, "Wimpy Christianity." Wimpy Christianity is the idea that when you're a Christian, you don't have to do anything, that God will just come in and magically fix everything in your life. What's funny is Wimpy Christianity is another half-truth the enemy likes to plant to keep Christians lukewarm. Of course you're still going to go through trials and of course Christianity requires you to get up and walk through it. I thought about how some people must view Christianity as a crutch and that we just "explain away life's problems and never deal with them." I laughed when I realized how false that actually is! If people knew anything about the opposite of Wimpy Christianity, Boss Christianity, then they would know that it actually requires you to work through your problems and face them head on! It requires you to address your insecurities. Do we have all the answers as to why things happen? That's a big resounding no! Heck, I'm confused about that 90% of the time. But here's where the half-truth gets us, do we believe that there's a divine plan? Absolutely. However, although those who ascribe to Wimpy Christianity stop there and wallow in their pain, Boss Christians realize it's a part of a divine plan, yes, but pick themselves up and walk through it.

I also realized that this shouldn't be news to me. Of course it's a defense mechanism, mostly against the enemy! I'd venture to say the Bible pretty much backs me up on this. When he tries to get us to believe that everything is hopeless, we play defense with, "It's all a divine plan. He works all things together for my good." I also realized that alongside the negative defense mechanisms were other positive ones like "sublimation: turn it into art." How many of the greatest and most beautiful pieces of art have been birthed this way? More than we can count! And is it negative? Absolutely not! Who says all defense mechanisms are negative?

Don't let half-truths trip you up. Although the alternatives may be scary, face them head on and weigh the options. Often I think you'll find the truth is somewhere in the middle.

There's a popular cartoon floating around the internet that depicts a cartoon heart alongside a cartoon brain. In each the theme is the same: the brain thinks things through and the heart follows what it feels. This is one of my favorite ones:



I find that I identify with the brain character more. However, I hate that about me. I wish a lot of times that I was more like the heart. Why does it matter? Well, although they are all in good fun, I find that the brain is depicted as the smart reasonable one and the heart the crazy, impulsive one. The brain is always reigning the heart back in while the heart overreacts with immense emotion illustrated usually in speech bubbles plagued by caps lock. Sometimes I don't want to be reasonable and I'd love to be a little more impulsive! This, and I know I overthink things 101% of the time and I really wish I didn't. I don't know about you, fellow overthinkers, but I tend to ignore what my heart says and I've found that it actually does more harm than good especially when it comes to my relationship with Christ.

One of the first messages I heard when I came back to the faith in college was on the wickedness of the heart. The pastor was speaking about how silly the phrase, "follow your heart," was for Christians because of the presence of sin in our lives. I get that, and I don't deny it, but unfortunately what I think happened is from then on I discounted what my heart said and only followed my mind. This worked for a while until I realized that my mind was just as wicked as my heart.

There is such a thing as knowing too much and it is painful. Soloman empathizes with this when he says,

"The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow." - Ecclesiastes 1:18

It's good to think through things intelligently, but too much of it can be harmful. I think the saying, "ignorance is bliss," holds some relevancy here. I say this because on more than one occasion, I've short circuited my brain with overthinking over things that I can't explain. I've never admitted this on my blog really, but I was diagnosed at a young age with an anxiety disorder that is due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. Some disorders come along later in life with the presence of a traumatic life event, but unfortunately, my parents saw signs of this in me from as early as age 4. Fast forward to 20 years later and I'm in the midst of the worst battle I've ever had with it. Most of the attacks were fueled by themes dealing with crippling anxiety over questions such as, "what if I lose my salvation?" and, "what if I don't believe at all?" No matter how much I tried to reason with myself, I could not gain certainty on these things and that's important because anxiety demands certainty; when it can't get it, we are back to spiraling because, "but what if?" However, throughout this battle, often with tears rolling down my face, my heart felt certainty when my brain had anything but that. I couldn't figure it out. Wasn't my heart wicked? Should I trust my heart at all? But shouldn't I if it's the one that's on the right track right now?

However, I realized (yet again) that my all or nothing thinking was not biblical at all!

"If you believe in your heart, and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, you will be saved." (paraphrase of Romans 10:9)

My church says this phrase a lot, as I'm sure many other churches do as well, but familiarity breeds complacency and so as such I heard it every week without ever really hearing it. But one day, again in the midst of a struggle with anxiety, I realized that we are asked to believe with our hearts NOT our minds.

Even in one of the most famous of scriptures, there it was again!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

It doesn't say trust with your mind, but your heart. In fact it pleads with us not to depend on our own understanding of things.

This is not to say that we should completely discount rational thought or that our minds don't play a role in belief, because that would have us wandering around like the heart in that cartoon. But we shouldn't discount the heart either unless one wants to have the same fate as I did. Rather, I think the relationship between the mind and the heart is symbiotic; they both need the other to survive. God was very intentional about giving us both and as such, I think there's a balance on how they should be used. One should filter rash emotions coming from the heart into rational thought and vice versa.

Recently, I have been struggling with severe doubt that quite honestly terrifies me and triggers the worst anxiety imaginable. I know what I believe and I feel the presence of it in my heart, but I have so many questions I cannot explain. One blogger hit the nail on the head when she said,

"The moment I begin to contemplate some of the stories, promises, and principles in the Bible from a strictly cerebral perspective doubt begins to creep in. Think about it: water turning into wine, multitudes being fed by a few loaves of bread and a couple of lousy fish, a sea parting so that people can cross without learning the backstroke, little guys killing giants, dead people coming back to life...come on! Sounds like something from a Tolkein novel."

I can identify with that! But the thing is, and many have harped on this over the years, the very principle of Christianity relies on faith and the opposite of faith is not doubt, it's certainty. I'd even argue that some doubt is essential to faith because the very act of faith asks us not to be certain about things. I can't explain the oxymoron that is "virgin mother." I have no idea how Jesus was all man but all God at the same time. I can't explain how miracles from the Word and in real life happened and still happen. But I know, mostly in my heart, that it's real and so I'm waiting for my mind to catch up.


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For those of you struggling with doubt, first know you are in good company. Don't forget Thomas was prone to doubt and God still used him. As well as the man who exclaimed, "I do believe, help me in my unbelief!" The same can be said for Mother Teresa, Charles Spurgeon, C.S. Lewis, and more. Although doubt is pretty taboo in the church and is hardly ever talked about, more people struggle with it than you realize. I did want to share a couple of blogs that I found especially helpful though. Perhaps the insight will benefit you as it did me.

Doubting God by Diane Markins
The Doubting Christian by Jason Boyett

Last week I wrote a blog about waiting and recently waiting has been the biggest area of challenge for me; God is really teaching me patience and trust in this season of my life. As such, waiting has been popping up everywhere and it's given me time to think and meditate on my crucial response to this test. On Monday, I was present for a sermon by a pastor at my church that really gave me a lot to think about. One of the points that really hit home for me was this, "Do I really believe that God will come through for me?" As soon as I saw the words on the screen, I took about 30 seconds to really just let that set in and ponder it for myself. "Do I really believe that? What hinders me from believing it? What am I afraid of? What would it look like to walk in confidence of what God has promised? What will it look like when He does come through?" And as I was praying about it on my way home I came to a conclusion. God will answer this prayer in one of three ways: yes, not yet, or no. Each answer is solid and unwavering. God doesn't change His mind because He doesn't need to; He already knows the end. So as I was praying I thought about each possibility and really gained a new understanding through it. I'd love to share what I've learned with you.

1. If yes, God will fulfill it. I don't need to do anything.
One of the coolest things in the sermon I mentioned earlier was what my pastor said about trying to make things come about of our own power. He said that a lot of us carry pressure we were never meant to carry to fulfill things within our life, because that pressure is supposed to be on God! Put the pressure on God! He can handle it! The God who created the entire world is strong enough to take on your life's pressure. Rest knowing that if the answer is yes, you're not going to miss it.

2. If no, God will let me know and walk me through it.
My biggest fear in praying for things so dear to my heart is this option right here. I know that the reality is that God may say no and I know this because there have been many things in my life that I have prayed for that have been very clear "no's." Even though I know He does this because it's in our best interest, I can usually only see that perspective when I'm on the other side. When I'm in the moment, my desire is so clear to me that for it to be "no" seems as if it's the end of the world. Because of this, I asked God to let me know clearly in a way that I won't be able to ignore and to walk me through the pain that comes with it. Yes, it may hurt if it's a "no" that you really wanted to be a "yes", but it's not the end of the world. It just means there's a different path planned. But know that you're allowed to be upset; God can handle that too.

3. If not yet, God will give me peace.
This one is my new favorite and the one I want to spend the most time on. That's huge for me to say because I hate waiting so I'm always wanting to hear, "yes," rather than, "not yet." But recently, I've laid down my stubbornness and started to grasp the idea that my resisting waiting is not making it go faster, it's just making me miserable! In some situations though, waiting is just that. There's no ulterior motive on God's end, you're just waiting for the perfect time for God to drop the answer to your prayer in your lap. In other words, if you're waiting but through much prayer you still feel like what you're praying for is something God's ordained and He's not said, "no" to then it may just not be time!

As a teacher, I truly can say I love my job and my kids, but I also have to honestly admit that I do have some pet peeves. They range from tattling to asking to go to the bathroom at inopportune times. However, one of the biggest ones that just irritates me to no end is when students tell me it's time to go to lunch when it's not quite time to go yet. I know this sounds dramatic, and I think I have a pretty good deal of patience with my students, but this one thing just grinds my gears. Usually, this is how it will go down: we are in the middle of instruction of some sort, but still have about 3 minutes before it's even acceptable for me to let them leave (I get in trouble as a teacher too you know). It will look as if I'm not paying attention to the clock given that I'm on the computer or very much involved in what I'm teaching. I have to say, to put myself in their shoes, this seems like very valid evidence! However, 9 times out of 10 I'm completely aware of what time it is because I'm just as hungry as they are! Inevitably though, someone will pipe up and say, "Miss French, it's time for lunch," as they point knowingly to the analog clock on the wall that's often a little inaccurate. I first suppress the anger that rises up within me and then once I've done that I say, "I know what time it is, you've still got a couple of minutes."

As I've said before, the Lord often teaches me things through my experiences with teaching and this is no different. I identify with my students on this level of impatience. They are so focused on eating and their desire to do so that they often lack reason. They are so blinded by hunger, and a bit of fear that they won't be able to eat lunch, that they forget all of the other days that I have let them out not only on time, but one minute early.

I know I do this with God! I know He's promised me something and He's shown me a lot about it, but as the clock ticks closer and it doesn't look like He's remembered what He said, I continue to remind Him as if He's forgotten. Now the difference between me and God is that He loves me so much that He wants me to continue to ask and doesn't get frustrated with me when I do. But regardless, just like I know what the clock says, so does God. And don't you think He desires to give us the things that we pray for as much if not more than we do?

His word promises to not withhold that which is good for us and sometimes that includes the desires of our heart, but the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. Try shifting your perspective. What if you're waiting not to make you miserable, but because it's not ready yet? If you take a half baked cake out of the oven before it's done, sure the sugary batter might satiate your sweet tooth, but will it be nearly as successful as if you had waited?

What if you are desiring the right thing, but you must acquire patience so that you can stay the course to see it through? If it's truly "not yet," you have such a crucial decision here: do I get frustrated and give up and never see and receive God's best plan for me come to pass, or do I stick with it through the momentary uncomfortable to see and receive God's best?

In my prayer, I asked for peace. I asked for this because I know just how difficult it is to stay the course with patience and contentment. I once heard that we think of peace all wrong. We think of peace as silence, stillness, and harmony. While that may be the case, we can't fully understand peace until we are faced with something that's anything but peaceful! Peace is best understood in the face of opposition. Peace is the calm while the storm is raging around you. Peace is the beauty in the midst of brokenness. Peace is resting knowing that God's got this in the midst of uncertainty.

This is where it changed for me. Don't get me wrong, my feelings didn't change at all, but rather they were redirected into their rightful places. I'm not perfect at it, but just knowing that this situation is out of my control gives me such peace and rest. There is nothing I can do to expedite God's timing, and how arrogant of me to think that I could! I am constantly choosing to believe that God will come through even if it's in the realm of "not yet." And until then, we've just got to remain faithful in doing the last thing God told us to do.