If I'm being completely honest, as a whole, Christians annoy the fire out of me. I realize that sounds a bit harsh and confusing given that I am a Christian myself, but let me explain.

The stereotypical Christian is seen as oblivious to the real world, offering formulaic advice, and often over complicate things. That's how the world sees us, and if I'm being honest I don't really blame them because I see it all the time as well. But, if anything out of those three annoys me the most, it's the latter. I've found that over the years, as Christians we overcomplicate life and that's a problem because most of the time the rules and formulas we've put in place aren't even Biblical at all; they're just pieces of advice that may have worked for us that we've coined as equal if not more important to follow than the Bible.

One of the biggest things we've overcomplicated is prayer vs. action. Often times when making a tough decision, we are quick to offer the trite advice, "Just pray about it and trust God," without acknowledging the other very real aspect to it: action. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we should not step out in faith and make some moves nor does it say that doing so means that we have less faith. In fact, often times God works through our risks and actions. Why have we pitted the two against each other as if they're opposites? Aren't they more likely to be successive steps than anything else?

For example. If we're unemployed and praying for a job, can we honestly say we are wavering in our faith if we apply for said job? Can God lay it on a boss's heart to just randomly call us up and offer us a job miraculously? Certainly, but more often than not, God's miracles come in the mundane. God's miracles come after the first step. And by our sitting around and waiting without proactive action, I would argue that we are living in an illusion that we are trusting God, when in reality we are really just trusting our fear. I know this because this is how I live. I live in fear of what MIGHT happen.

I once heard fear described as being wrapped in bubble wrap: it protects you from harm, but restricts your movement. Check out this short video from my pastor to see what I mean.




You see, fear says, "Better not apply for that job because I don't want to be disappointed if I don't get it."
Fear says, "Better not tell that person how I feel about them because the last time I did that, I got rejected."
Fear often uses prayer as a cop out for action. And that's exactly where the enemy wants you because he will twist good things to get you stuck where you are. Is it good to pray first? Absolutely. Please don't misunderstand me. But is it also sometimes good to go out on a limb, take a risk, and trust God through the process? Yes.

Save the times God comes through in the miraculous...

You can't get that job if you don't apply.
You can't get that guy/girl if you don't take a risk and tell them how you feel.
You can't get your dream house if you never go looking for it.
You can't have kids if you don't...well you know.

Taking a [healthy] risk is Biblical. God never said, "Thou shalt not text him/her first," or "Blessed are those who sit in their house and wait for a job to drop out of the sky." Jesus called Peter to take action to step out of the boat. THEN the miraculous happened. What if the miracle isn't in how the process is initiated, but rather what happens after you take that step?

Let's not over complicate this; let's be bold. If you want it and your heart has been aligned with God's word on it, then please for the love of God (and your sanity) go for it. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten. Pray, listen for God's voice, and then go out there and do it.

I hate the word “just,” and I’ve decided to cut it out of my vocabulary entirely. Particularly when speaking to someone going through a trial. Here’s why.

Over the years, I’ve found myself going to well-meaning, fellow Christians to process something going on in my life expecting comfort and healing only to have that pesky adverb thrown in my face.

“Just be content where you are.”

“Just rest in His presence.”

“Just pray.”

“Just trust.”

Now, these phrases in and of themselves are actually really solid pieces of advice; not to mention biblically sound. But when “just” is added to it what people like me hear is, “The solution to your difficult problem is actually really simple.” They hear, “Your problem is silly and you’ve just wasted your time. I told you that you were overreacting.”

“Just” implies that the listener hasn’t already come to that conclusion that you’ve proposed. Which is silly because it’s likely the first thing they have done. They know that’s the answer, but right now they aren't seeing progress and simply need a shoulder to cry on.

“Just” implies that the answer is as black and white as what you’ve proposed. Which is often not the case at all. More often than not, the situation is not black and white at all and goes a lot deeper than what you understand of it.

“Just” implies that the listener must try harder in order for his/her problem to go away. Which often only makes things worse and leads to disillusionment when doing what you’ve proposed doesn’t work right away.

I’d like to propose this: Jesus is not a “just” father. Now, I mean “just” in the adverb sense NOT the adjective sense because He very much is just. I mean that when we come to the feet of Jesus and lay out our struggles, He doesn’t give us a laundry list of "justs" for us to accomplish in order to fix it. He certainly didn't do that to the woman with the bleeding disorder who reached out to Him for healing. He didn't do that to the paralyzed man who came in through the roof. No, He listens, He mourns, He comforts, He protects, and He heals.

Speak truth over your friend if they need it, absolutely. But sometimes people need to be heard. Sometimes the best advice is none at all. Sometimes the most comforting thing is to hear, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m praying for you and I’m here for you.”

I want to be a friend like that. Let's be like Jesus together.

Arguably, the most popular and most preached on story in the Bible is that of the Prodigal Son. And rightfully so as it is a beautiful picture of the way God loves us. But one thing that most people forget about is the story of the older brother, and that's upsetting to me because I'd argue a lot of us identify with him just as much as we identify with the younger son.

Imagine with me for a second:

You are an avid follower of God. You serve in your church so much that you're there more than you are at home. You read your Bible, you pray, you love God with everything you have. One day someone who's walked away from God comes back after being on a long winding road of destruction. They're back and they're ready to have God back in their lives. They get saved one Sunday during service. You are ecstatic for them! Nothing is better than seeing people's lives reconciled to Christ. But it doesn't stop there. All of a sudden over the next few months, God starts blessing them left and right. All of a sudden they have an awesome job, a life-giving romantic relationship, they're leading in the church, and to top it all off: everyone loves them. You know you should be happy for them, but you can't help but wonder why God is blessing them and not you. Aren't you more loyal? You've been here the entire time! How come they get all the stuff you've been praying for and believing for for years? Why did God pull out all the stops for them and not for you? Does He love you less?

Ever been there? I know I have. Although those feelings are very valid, I believe there's one huge issue this reveals about how we view God:

God is not a god of formulas
As humans, I think it's easy to sit and try to calculate where "we've gone wrong" when we see others getting blessed "above" us. But what I think we fail to recognize is that God is not a god of formulas. God's not into algebraic equations when it comes to blessing us. He blesses us not based on what we plug in or bring to the table, but based on things far above what we can understand or comprehend. God's not impressed by the fact that I read my Bible everyday, or serve in my church, or even the fact that I'm obedient because He's not human. He's not into positive reinforcement. He's not someone who blesses based on performance. He blesses based on His grace. And what's more is that given our response, our brother probably understands the true value of grace more than we do. Our brother knows that without grace he wouldn't be home right now living with the restored inheritance he was so quick to give up. He knows that without grace he'd be dead. He knows that anything God blesses him with here on this earth is nothing compared to the saving grace that he's just received from his father. I'd venture to say us "older brothers" have lost sight of that. We've lost sight of the value of grace and the fact that we have the exact same gift that our "younger brother" has, we've just placed it on our shelf to look at instead of carrying it with us and actually treasuring it. We've quite possibly forgotten what God has truly saved us from and the fact that He just wants us to celebrate with our brother. He wants us to stop performing and abide in His love. Let's stop forgetting. Let's actively remember.

I’d venture to say that we all have something we are believing God for no matter how big or small it is. Maybe it’s a breakthrough in a job situation. Maybe it’s restoration for a marriage on the rocks. Or maybe, if you’re like me, you’re praying to even have a marriage at all. Regardless, we — some of us more than others — know what it’s like to be in that season of waiting, but what happens when God finally does come through? Do we know what our next step is? That’s a different story entirely now isn’t it?

My Pastor preaches on Nehemiah better than anyone I’ve ever heard, and he shared this concept with us. There’s a section in chapter two where after months of praying, Nehemiah gains favor with the king. The king grants his request to go back home to rebuild the city, but what’s fascinating is that Nehemiah has a plan. He's been preparing in his season of waiting so that when God does come through, he is ready.

The king asked, “Well, how can I help you?”

With a prayer to the God of heaven, I replied, “If it please the king, and if you are pleased with me, your servant, send me to Judah to rebuild the city where my ancestors are buried.”

The king, with the queen sitting beside him, asked, “How long will you be gone? When will you return?” After I told him how long I would be gone, the king agreed to my request.

I also said to the king, “If it please the king, let me have letters addressed to the governors of the province west of the Euphrates River, instructing them to let me travel safely through their territories on my way to Judah. And please give me a letter addressed to Asaph, the manager of the king’s forest, instructing him to give me timber. I will need it to make beams for the gates of the Temple fortress, for the city walls, and for a house for myself.” And the king granted these requests, because the gracious hand of God was on me. - Nehemiah 2:4-8

What would it look like if we did that for the thing we are praying for? How would our faith be impacted? How much more would we trust God is doing His part as we are doing ours? How would our hearts become more expectant and at peace about what is to come?

Often preparing for an answered prayer that is seemingly far off hurts, which is why I think we don’t do it like we should. We fear the elusive “what-if.” “What if, after all this preparation, God doesn’t come through soon or worse yet, at all?” "What if I do all this preparation and it's for nothing?" And those are fair questions. But here’s another “what-if” for you: What if He DOES? What if He does answer your prayer and then you have no idea where to go from there? In that moment, preparation is going to be the thing you wish you would have done. So, here are three reasons why it's important to plan for the season you're not yet in.

1. It deepens your faith
I'm very passionate about the notion that faith is a spiritual muscle that we have to exercise; it's not something that gets stronger on its own. God doesn’t call us to sit where we are like a princess locked in a tower waiting on someone to come get us. That’s a passive, shallow faith. God calls us to an active, deep faith. This means that we plan for that answered prayer even when it’s nowhere in sight. It means we risk something each day when we actively plan for it. It means we are depending on God to come through as we do what we can do in the natural. So we get our resume ready and send it out even though we don't know if we will get that job. It means we start praying for our spouse even when they're so distant and praying is the last thing we want to do. It means we work to better ourselves. It means we learn all we can about where we are going even when it sometimes hurts to do so. It means we prepare for the season we are not yet in.

2. It cultivates an expectant heart
The daily reminder I get when I prepare for the season I'm not yet in is this: God is going to come through in this. Even though I may not feel it today, I still expect Him to do so. Preparing allows me to have an expectant heart without necessarily having expectations. Why? Since I'm doing what I can to prepare myself for my future season, the idea of it isn't necessarily abstract. Rather, it's more realistic and less ethereal because I'm practically doing something about it. Often I think disappointment comes from unmet expectations which are often not fulfilled because they are unrealistic. Preparing for my next season allows me to be real and intentional about where I'm going instead of just dreaming about what it will be like.

3. It develops a responsibility
Often we feel like an answered prayer will take stress off of our lives, but in reality, an answered prayer is actually a new responsibility. That job you’re praying for? It takes work. That marriage you are praying for? It takes work. That kid you are praying for? It takes work. A lot of times people get very spiritual about callings or prayers; as if the breakthrough is just going to fall out of the sky and no work is involved at all. But in reality, the best way to prepare for the responsibility you are praying yourself into is to learn, grow, and cultivate yourself as much as you can in the natural. Of course this looks different for everyone, but if you want an example of something specific to my journey that I've been doing recently, click here to read more about it!

My Pastor said it like this, “Be prepared in the season of your answer.” And I love that because it implies that your answer is coming. That season is coming as surely as winter gives way to spring. But the question is, will you be prepared when you get there?

Ahh dating. Arguably the most confusing human experience. Add Christianity and its standards to the already confusing nature of it, and you have a truly confounding predicament. As a single Christian woman with the high hopes of not being one one day (Lord, let it be so), I find myself wishing we could just go back to the days of dating with intention. You know, the ones likened to Pride and Prejudice where the man says exactly how he feels and just straight up asks her to marry him? No frills, no stringing along, just intention. There's nothing sexier than that, ladies, am I right?

But much to the dismay of what we find attractive as far as intentionality goes, we find ourselves, as Christian women, walking through our twenties (and sometimes beyond that) looking for a meaningful relationship only to be met with nothing but confusion. In the midst of the dating scene, we have a purgatory-like phenomenon I like to refer to as the "flirtationship." Perhaps you'd even go as far as to say that you're in a "relationship", but it is "complicated." Walking through either of those feels a lot like walking through a dark wood with a dying flashlight barely illuminating your way: confusing and frustrating. So given that I'm not qualified to speak on behalf of men, I've compiled a list of 6 things I want my fellow ladies to remember that I hope will bring peace and some freedom in the midst of this bewildering experience.


1. Christ never sent mixed signals to the Church
I hate mixed signals. They are reckless for both the receiver and the giver. They are perhaps the biggest cause for confusion in any relationship. However, they're super unbiblical and here's why: the biggest picture we have of Biblical marriage (and if you're not dating to marry then why are you dating at all?) is that it is to mirror the way Christ loved the Church. So here's what I want to challenge you with: did Christ ever send mixed signals to the Church? Do we ever have any real reason to doubt how much He truly loves us given that He died for us for all the world to see? So if you're getting mixed signals from him, it's possible he also has mixed feelings in how he feels about you. Or maybe he knows how he feels about you, but he's not willing to act on that. If that's the case, remind yourself what standards you have when it comes to dating with intention and decide if you really want to base your happiness on someone who can't even decide if they like you or not. You should never have to wonder how he feels about you; he should be willing and eager to make it very clear to you.

2. He who finds a wife finds a GOOD thing
Proverbs 18:22 states that "he who finds a wife finds a good thing." I get two things from this. One, ladies you are a GOOD thing. You are not a burden. You are not the "old ball and chain." You are a blessing to your future husband. Two, you must be found. I don't mean this to come across as if you are "lost" without a spouse. That's actually far from it. But rather, your worth requires pursuing. The Bible tells us that we are worth far more than rubies (Proverbs 31:10). If we are searching for something of value, like rubies, we usually have to keep what we want and the value of it in the forefront of our minds. This is because along the way, there are many other shiny distractors that might cause us to lose sight of what we were looking for. Think about it. How many times have you gone into a room looking for something only to get distracted by something else? Love, you must be searched for and pursued because you are often unknowingly being hidden behind a host of other distractors for your man's attention. If he's getting distracted along the way, it's possible he doesn't really have your value in the forefront of his mind. In other words: he's lost sight of what he's searching for.

3. Your worth is dependent on God's standard, not man's
As a woman who is called to wait to be pursued, lack of pursual can feel a lot like rejection, and that can be a serious blow to one's self esteem. And unfortunately, especially in today's day and age, it doesn't take much: his leaving your text on read for hours at a time, not messaging you back, paying a lot or a little attention to you depending on the day. I could go on. But what I think what we fail to realize is that we have no business letting men's actions (which a lot of times are unintentionally hurtful) determine our worth. Especially given that often they are based on such trivial things as an unreturned text. Our worth is based on God's standard through the grace of Christ's sacrifice on the cross which means that it's invaluable. The Bible also states that we are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), so basing our worth on anything else other than what God says about us, is the house built on sand: unstable. Say it with me ladies, "My worth is not dependent on whether he messages me back or not. My worth is not dependent on whether or not he talks to me today. My worth is not that fragile; I am made in the image of God."

4. The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person
At the end of the day, as painful as it is to hear, you may be lying in wait because he's simply not ready to handle the responsibility of a relationship. He might be great for you in every single way and match up to everything you ever prayed for, but if it's not the right time, then he's not the right person. This is the hardest truth to swallow because you feel so close, but so yet you are so far at the same time. And friend, let me tell you: you can try to fix him all you want so that "right time" will be "now", but at the end of the day the only one who can fix him is the Holy Spirit, and even that requires him to be willing to change.

5. It's nothing until it's something
This is something my roommate, Sarah, says all the time and I love it because it's so simple yet so true. You're either dating or you're not. You're either in a relationship or you're not. None of this in-between crap. If your man is not willing to commit, there's something else going on there. If you're being loved the way Christ loved the Church, where you stand with him will never be ambiguous. And if the beauty of Christ shining through you doesn't make him want to pursue you with the fervor of 1,000 suns, then he's probably looking for something else entirely. And let me tell you, friend, you don't want to emulate what he's looking for because chances are, it won't last.


6. "Men trust God by risking rejection; women trust God by waiting."
This is a quote by a woman by the name of Carolyn McCulley. I make it its own separate point because I think it brings up some crucial truths. God calls women to wait. He does this not because He wants to punish us, or make us weak, but because He knows deep down we long to be pursued. Likewise, He calls men to pursue and risk rejection not because He wants them to "man up" or get hurt, but because He knows deep down they long to do the pursuing. In the midst of this waiting game, it can start to feel like you're waiting FOR your future spouse, but let's not get it twisted here: your obedience is not for him; it's for God. It would be super easy to just walk outside of that and choose the next person that walks down the street, but I think if you look within your heart and find that you really desire knowing and loving Christ and His best for you, you won't be able to bring yourself to do that because you are far too in love with Him to do otherwise.

Dear sister, at the end of the day, you are looking for a prince to compliment you as a princess to the ultimate King. Don't put this man on a throne he was never meant to sit on. Don't seek out man's approval for your source of worth and confidence. Pray about it and submit it to God. If you're anything like me, your desire to know how he feels about you is less about clarity and more about control. You feel like if you could just know how he feels, then you would be able to get the ball rolling and exit this season of unwanted singleness already. But, I'm sure you know as well as I do that is rarely how it works. You might still have those feelings towards him and that's normal, but we've got to really let go and trust God in this midst of this, ladies. We've got to really start trusting that if this is the man you are meant to be with, God will bring about a holy boldness within him that will eradicate any trace of confusion in your mind.

Dear Christians,

Can I talk to the single people again? I know that's been like my main audience for the past few blog posts, but if I'm being honest there's not really enough realness in the Christian single community and I intend to change that. So I want to pose a hypothetical situation for you here:

You're single. And if you're being honest, you have been for quite some time. It's partially your choice, because you refuse to settle, but at this point you've been waiting so long that you're wondering if being obedient in waiting is even worth it. You're wondering if perhaps your standards are too high, or maybe your prayers have had some difficulties on their way up to the Big Man. What happens when sticking to it becomes hard? What happens when you've prayed for years and you still have nothing to show for it? What happens when you want to give up?

Anyone resonating with this? Or is it just me?

I want to share with you 4 things to remember when the going gets tough and waiting has become too painful to bear.

1. On any given day, you are one day closer to breakthrough
Unfortunately, we don't have the pleasure of knowing exactly when breakthrough may happen, but we can be confident that since God's plans for us are good and that He is for us, that breakthrough IS in the plan. Think about it this way. You might meet your future spouse, or get clarity on who it is tomorrow. It may be a year from now. But isn't it beautiful knowing that wherever you are on that timeline, each day when you wake up you are one day closer to your answered prayer?

2. God's timing is extremely precise
One of the things not left up to us in this world is timing. That is God's job. And as much as I'd like to control it sometimes, I'm glad it's not my responsibility. Because at the end of the day God's got the greatest jigsaw puzzle in the world and He's got to figure out how to plan everything out for the billions of people currently on the Earth, and those to come. You see, God isn't a procrastinator, He plans ahead. What if you're waiting because God has a specific purpose for your future child? In order for that child to be born at exactly the right time for that purpose to come to pass the way God's planned it, you have to wait a little bit longer to meet your future spouse. Doesn't that make waiting worth it? God is precise. Get an aerial view to this; there's more to this than meets the eye.

3. Your heart isn't the only one involved
I know this may come as a shock to you, but you're not the only one on this planet. Nor am I, but sometimes I pray like I am. I want you to think about this. Marriage is the closest two people can be on this Earth. Therefore, the two parties' hearts are in a sense cemented to each other. Remember, friend, that your heart isn't the only one in this equation; God has to take into account your future spouse's as well. What if you're waiting because your future spouse is praying something specific about you, and God is making sure that you are prepared to be that or vice versa? What if you're waiting because your future spouse is working out some stuff in his/her life that would be toxic to a relationship if you were to be joined together now? What if (grab hold of your hearts, it's about to get real) your future spouse is in another relationship now? I know, not ideal but stick with me here. Not only would that be two hearts at play, yours and his/hers, but also the heart of the person they are in the relationship with. God takes all of this into account; we don't.

4. Persistence is the key to the promise
This one is not particularly attractive because it requires some work from you. You've got to keep praying. You've got to keep seeking. You've got to keep knocking. God knows what you desire obviously, but He wants to hear about it. Keep coming to God with it. One of the reasons maybe He holds off on giving it to you immediately is because He wants your heart. You've come too far to quit. Even though God did many instant miracles for the Israelites along the way, they were still in the wilderness for 40 years, and once they were delivered Jericho still didn't fall down in an instant. In fact they kept marching like God said even when there was no sign of breakthrough and even when it almost seemed silly to continue. Keep walking. You might be on your 7th lap. On the other side of your perseverance is your answered prayer.

At the end of the day, when we get discouraged hope is always renewed through seeing from a higher perspective. I hope that this has helped you to gain some perspective. It doesn't mean you won't struggle and it doesn't mean you won't get discouraged ever again. It simply is a reminder of what your heart already knows: God is faithful and He's got this figured out.

When I got into teaching, I knew it was a career that was difficult, but I never knew it was a career where I would constantly be fighting to prove the value of my job. What's more, I never thought I'd be fighting to prove this to people who should already know. People praise teachers up and down for, "doing what they do," but do they really know what that is? Or is it just convenient to say until a child is failing and it becomes more convenient to blame the teacher? Are there bad teachers? Absolutely. But is that the main issue? Far from it. Let's get real here shall we?

My students are not a number. We’ve gotten to the place as an education system where we have reduced mere children down to a number on a scale, and if they’re lucky they’re assigned a color on a data sheet to determine how they measure up to an arbitrary standard set by the state. When did education and the quest for knowledge become reduced down to this? When did passing a test become more important than acquisition of knowledge? Studies show that students are more stressed now than they used to be and why shouldn’t they be with the amount of pressure put on them? We are presenting this idea that the classroom isn’t a place where it’s ok to make mistakes given that they often lead us to mastery, but rather that a mistake will cost you your grade. “You better get good grades, because you want to get into college,” we bark at them from far too early an age. What about the fact that learning is one of the greatest pleasures in the world? What about the fact that such depth and beauty can be found in the areas of English, Social Studies, Science, and Math? But no, we’ve reduced it down to a standardized test at the end of the year which separates students into three categories: advanced (or as the kids call it: smart), pass (or as it’s often referred to: not good enough), or fail (or as most people see it: a failure; read: not going anywhere in life).

What we fail to acknowledge is that Johnny who “failed” his standardized test has actually grown immensely this year. We fail to recognize what really matters: improvement. We fail to actually recognize students for their overall worth and value and rather attach a numeric or letter grade to their value as humans, and as such they are forever impacted. What about the kid who is a bad test taker on that one test day, but excels consistently every day in class? What about the kid who has a horrendous home life, and as much as he/she tries, just can’t keep up with the material in class? Are these students any less of people because they’ve failed their standardized test? It would be silly to assume so, but yet we do! And students aren't ignorant; they know that a great deal of teachers do this, as well as their parents. So in turn, their self esteem level is now connected to their grade. I know this because I see it every day. The frantic look in a student's eye when they have a B+ instead of an A. The lack of effort in a D student because they don't think they can do it because, "I'm just dumb." Where does it start? From the importance we place on this arbitrary standard that one person deemed as acceptable.

Let’s also not forget that the whole reason for even putting these tests into place has to do with the fact that it “creates a standard of excellence” in the classroom. Does it really though? Is it really excellent that some teachers hand students a released test and have them analyze that instead of delving into deep analysis and higher level skills to improve overall retention? Is it excellent that non-standardized test classrooms are deemed “lesser” than those who have high stakes tests? Is it really excellent that some teachers neglect certain content because “it’s not on the test”?
This is the education system we are dealing with here and it’s not working. In fact, we’ve seen a severe decline over the past 10 years or so. We are producing students who are entering the workforce knowing how to take tests rather than how to problem solve and critically think. We’re teaching them how to be good at school, not how to be effective humans. No matter how you formulate standardized testing, it will never be able to capture the authenticity of higher level skills that should be, and often are, taught in the classroom. I dare say that if we treated teachers as the experts on the field (which by the way, we are trained to be), and let them teach the way they know how to teach, we would see a vastly different education system than the one we are living in now.

As a single teacher I can’t fix it. I can’t fix the way people think, and my voice isn’t paricularly loud by itself. But with more voices, the noise gets louder, and with more noise comes change. It starts with awareness so that’s what I’m doing: letting you know what your education system is like and how flawed it actually is. Why does it matter to you? Because with every paycheck you are contributing a portion of what you earn to our school system whether you use it or not. What it comes down to is: is this something that you're pleased you're investing in? I'm not only a teacher, I'm a taxpayer, and my answer is, no. I'm choosing to speak up. The question is, will you listen, or turn a deaf ear?

I've been holding all of this in for a long time. Quite honestly, I've really just been hoping that another blogger would do it, but alas I'm consistently left disappointed. I can't tell you the amount of posts I've read where cliches and trite Christianese phrases are thrown around carelessly, only to leave the reader feeling mocked and belittled. It's frustrating and humiliating, and it makes my blood boil. Ladies, I get you, and that's what I'm here to tell you.

Given that I've had EXTENSIVE experience in the field of being single, I think I have the liberty to speak freely here for a little bit. It's time to get real. Being single for a prolonged period of time is extremely hard. I want to make it clear I'm not talking about the brief stint of singleness between boyfriends that one may experience. I'm talking about the kind of singleness that is present season after season without fail. The singleness that coexists and even laughs in the face of the dream and desire for a meaningful relationship. That singleness is what I'm here to talk to you about today, and the reason is because there are some things you need to know that I'm not sure anyone has ever told you. I'm going to save you the time and frustration by not telling you things you already know such as, "You need to put God first, " and "Be complete by yourself first," because if you're anything like me, just hearing those sends a wave of anger through you. No, I'm here to reassure and encourage you, and I'm hoping some, if not all of these statements, will set you free.

1. Your dream isn't stupid
I can't tell you how many times I've thought to myself, "Why can't my dream in life be something more noble like missions? Marriage is such a silly desire to have and pales in comparison to some of the other things my friends are dreaming." Hopefully I'm not alone in this, and I'm sure someone else out there has thought this very same thing. But, the issue is that it's flawed. Here's something you may not have realized: marriage and the desire for a partner in life is pre-fall. That means that before Adam and Eve even sinned in the first place, God said the following, "It is not good for man to be alone," and gave Eve to Adam. Think about that. They had everything they needed in PARADISE, and they walked with God, but yet God still said it wasn't good for man to be alone. I've heard that preached alongside the topic of community, and it can totally be applied to that, but one can't deny that this was very much in reference to marital companionship. God designed it and he is a fan of it. Marriage is godly and it is important. It's the single most powerful relationship you can have in your life after that with Christ. So no, friend, it's not stupid; it's actually really really important.

2. It's ok to have bad days
There have been days where I've sat and thought, "Wow I'm content in my singleness today!" and then an hour later I'm listening to emotional music while crying. It's easy to feel crazy in those moments, but it's also easy to forget that unwanted singleness is a battle just as much (albeit in a different way) as marriage is a battle. Remember though that when you fight that battle, you might fail. You might have strong days, weeks, even months, and then you may have days, weeks, and months of the opposite. It's ok. Give yourself grace. Although we don't have to let our emotions rule us, we do have them for a reason and ignoring them does more harm than good. Give yourself grace to feel what you're feeling. Feel it entirely, but don't unpack and live there. Take your time processing, then pick yourself back up and keep moving.

3. A lot of people don't get it
There will be people along this journey who will try to encourage you in saying things like:
"I've been there before too! That year of singleness was so hard for me."
"Just trust God! He will bring you the right guy at the right time!"
"You don't need a man to be fulfilled! Live your life now!"
"You're young, you've got time."

These pieces of advice sound good, and some of them have A LOT of truth to them. But behind them all lay the same theme: the issuer really doesn't get it at all. People may even tell you that they understand, but in my experience, it's usually not true (still being real here, sorry). They don't know that of course you know you don't need a man to be fulfilled, but that doesn't stop you from wanting to experience the joys of a meaningful relationship. Like, "Wow Susan, you've MAGICALLY suppressed that desire within me, and I'm no longer struggling! Thanks!" They don't know that their brief season of singleness is NOTHING compared to the extensive timeline you've experienced; they don't get that them throwing out such a seemingly insignificant number is more insulting than it is encouraging. They don't know that you are trusting God with everything in you, and that you've been praying fervently for longer than you can keep track of. In short, they don't understand, but that doesn't mean that you're being dramatic or that your pain isn't real. It just means that they don't get it, and they don't have to.

4. You're not sad because you're dramatic, you're sad because you're grieving
I heard it said once that, "Missing your person is like grieving the loss of someone who is supposed to be there but is not." Think about it. Your heart's desire is to do life with this person and with each day and important event that passes, they're not there. And they're not there once, or even twice, but for years and years they miss events that you so desperately want them to be a part of. Of course you're sad! You want them to be there alongside you experiencing it with you, and likewise you want to be there for their most important moments as well. I want to propose this: it doesn't show your weakness, it shows the beauty of your heart for companionship.

5. You get so caught up in it because your heart is designed for a forever love
I've been in countless scenarios where my heart has gotten way too invested too quickly (absolutely my fault) only to be let down before anything even began. Fast forward to months, even years later and I'm still hung up on it, feeling the pangs of rejection every now and then. It's easy to feel in those moments like you are the weird one because, "Why can't I just get over it?" But friend, your heart was designed for a forever love. You love so deeply in the first place because that is how you were meant to love, and you hold on to that love because that is how you are supposed to love. You weren't meant to be casual with your feelings and move from one guy to the next. No, you were meant to be with one person, love one person, and choose that person day after day. You have those deep feelings that are hard to get rid of not because you're weird, but because that's the way you were designed. Your future husband is really going to appreciate that you feel deeply for him and don't let go of love easily.

6. You're not single because something is wrong with you
One of the most annoying things people say about singleness is that one is single because "they're not ready yet."Again, there is some truth to this because by and large singleness is a season of preparation. But if we're not careful, this statement can lead the receiver to feel like they have to be perfect and completely ready in order to receive what God has for them. Not only is this outrageous, it's completely unbiblical. If God waited for us to get our acts together to bless us, we'd never be blessed. In fact, we'd never have received the gift of salvation. So yes, absolutely use this time to better yourself, but also remember that God's blessing and faithfulness is not dependent on your behavior, it's dependent on his grace.

7. God hasn't forgotten about you
Admittedly, this is one that I have trouble rallying behind sometimes. Because when you've been praying with absolutely no sign of breakthrough for so long, it's easy to feel like God's forgotten about His promise to fulfill the desires of your heart. But even when we don't feel it, we must remind our souls of the truth: God is faithful. I don't know the reason you're still waiting, no more than I know the reason I'm still waiting, but I want to suggest something that you may have never thought of before. When I was little, I would ask my parents for things I really really wanted for Christmas. And it wasn't like this one time thing. No it was like every opportunity I could get to remind them that I really really wanted it. Even though they might not answer me or reassure me that I was going to get it, when Christmas Day arrived, they were so excited to finally give that gift to me. God is a good father right? We know this because it's part of His character and He cannot deny Himself. The word says that earthly parents give good gifts so how much more does your Heavenly father give good gifts to those who ask Him (Matthew 7:11). God is eager to give you your gift that you've been asking for relentlessly. He's not holding out on you. He's prepared and wrapped it, it's just not time to open it yet.

This doesn't even scratch the surface of things I wish I could tell my sisters who are in the same boat as me, but if you don't get anything else out of this I want you to know that you're not alone, you're not abnormal, and you're not undesirable. You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are stunning, and most of all you are stronger than you realize. Keep praying and believing, beauties. Even when it doesn't make sense to hope, keep hoping. Even when you don't feel like praying anymore, keep praying. Even when you'd much rather give up and compromise, stand firm. One day, your obedience will become one of your greatest testimonies.

Back in March, I wrote a post about the "Waiting Room," and it's honestly a metaphor I think about a lot. Mostly because even though it's been nearly a year since I wrote that, I'm still waiting. I'm out here, posted up in the waiting room, and I've read like 38 novels along with all the old tabloids laying around, my phone is dead, I've taken a nap, checked in with the receptionist an additional 10 times to see what the status is, and yet, after all of this I still haven't been seen by the doctor. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm even going to be seen at all today. I'm quite frankly ready to give up and go home at this point.

Admittedly, this isn't a metaphorical scenario that's even that outlandish from what's actually been going on with me. I'm in a seemingly never-ending season of waiting, and although I know it has purpose, I'm growing weary.

I don't know about you, but I'm a hot mess. I'm like overly emotional all the time, and it's just that: a mess. But I take comfort in knowing that I am in good company with God's people and one of those was Jacob. Jacob had a hard life, y'all. I don't have time to go into his entire biography, but basically he got himself into a lot of things that made his life more difficult. Recently, I've been listening to some highlights from Pastor Steven Furtick's series, "Death to Selfie." In it, he chronicles the life of Jacob and teaches a TON of valuable lessons using his life through triumphs and successes. One of the most profound points he makes is that after Jacob has died, Moses asks God the question, "When people ask me who you are, what should I tell them?" And God says, "I am who I am." That's a pretty popular verse, but what follows is even more profound. God answers, "The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob." Now that seems pretty basic because Jacob is his name, but the name Jacob represents Jacob's old self. God renamed Jacob "Israel" after an encounter with Him where He was changed. Furtick makes the point that if you were God, wouldn't you use Israel instead when listing off your achievements? Wouldn't you want to be known by his good side? But no, God uses Jacob's name intentionally to show that God is the God of our struggle as well as our triumphs. I can't communicate it as well as he does, so here's the video.