One of my friends jokingly refers to this blog as a dating blog. On one hand he's right; I post a lot about relationships here because that's the season I'm in. Sue me. But recently, I've really felt led to actually live up to that stereotype with this post and here's why.

This week, I've been reading a book by Lisa TerKeurst called, It's Not Supposed to Be This Way. In it, one of the things she challenges her readers to do is to use their pain to help other people. That's always been my motivation in my story with anxiety and depression, but somehow, this most recent season felt different. I almost felt like my heartache wasn't important enough to share with others. I felt like my testimony wasn't drastic enough to share. I now know that is a lie. So all jokes aside, I'm speaking out on something that I cannot seem to find any authentic, Christian wisdom on because I feel like it's about time I used this pain for encouragement rather than its usual discouragement. Today I am writing about breakups.

Now, let me preface this by saying that this post will in no means be a post that blames anyone nor will it be a pity party; that never does any good and it's lazy. Rather, I really and truly just want to bring awareness to something I've noticed, through my own journey, that we, as Christians, are largely unequipped to handle. Since we are called to love and serve the Church, we come across a wide variety of people. I don't know much about statistics, but it stands to reason that a good percentage of our congregations are dealing with this exact thing in one capacity or another.

All of this to say. I think we, as Christians, could use some practice at handling breakups and here's why:

It's seen as the exception not the rule

The rule is, you date, you get engaged, you get married.
The exception is, you breakup.

Perhaps this is not true of your Christian culture, but I know it's true of what I've seen. Now, there's nothing wrong with this. It's a part of Christian culture because intentional relationships are a part of what we believe in. But what happens when that intentional relationship just didn't work out? We say we date to evaluate. But the thing is there's a 50/50 outcome here; you either breakup or get married. We are equipped for half of that equation. When we are unequipped for the other 50%, we can inadvertently alienate a whole subgroup of people.

I remember when I was going through my breakup, one of the first emotions I felt was embarrassment. Why? Because as Christians, we almost expect couples to make it to marriage. We have this idealistic view of relationships sometimes. We perpetuate this idea that if you can just find someone, everything else will fall in line. We are really great at giving advice about finding that someone, but that's usually where that wisdom stops.

You know who has a lot of advice about breakups? Cosmo.
You know who doesn't? Christians.

It's sad to say, but I have heard very few Biblical teachings on breakups and the very real pain that comes along with them. We just don't talk about it! Which is a problem because statistically that's a whole half of people that are struggling through this almost blindly.

The problem is, what we perpetuate through this expectation is very dangerous. Because of the fact that it's almost expected that the couple makes it to marriage, if they don't, it's almost as if we unintentionally project some sort of scrutiny on them. It's easy to feel like there's something wrong with you if your relationship didn't work out in a secular setting, but add in the pressure of Christian dating and that's not just another ballgame, it's the entire World Series. It's easy to feel ostracized in the Christian community because you and your significant other didn't make it. It's easy to feel like you don't measure up.

It's one of the most helpless feelings in the world to suffer through a breakup, and it's even worse to feel like you're alone and misunderstood in the midst of it. As the church, we are called to bear one another's burdens. We are called to walk with people and lead them to Christ, but we can't do that if we aren't equipped.

So what do we do? How can we minister specifically to people grieving from breakups? These are 5 things I think we can do as Christians to help usher our brothers and sisters back to a sense of normalcy like many of the members of my community did for me.

1. Give them time
Just as no two people are alike, no two experiences of grief are alike. There are many factors, most of which are psychological, that contribute to a person's experience with grief. The trick here is that there is no timeline for grieving. In fact, even after the initial process is over, grief has a way of still lingering about. It's messy and it's frustrating for everyone involved. But the thing is, it's a normal reaction to a loss. In fact, synapses that have been made in the brain are legitimately dying. There is more than just metaphorical death when breakups occur. Because of this, people need time and they need permission to take that time whatever it looks like for them.

2. Give them grace
There's a very real chance that during the grieving process, people will not feel like or act like themselves. This is normal given that it's a psychological phenomenon and messes with your emotions and even your personality. As Christians, we should have grace for that. Notice I didn't say we should accept it blindly. We should never run rampant with our emotions. In fact, there were a few times I did this and I had friends who called me out. And rightfully so! But in the midst of it, offer abundant grace because breakups are hard; it's very easy to not only lose the other person but also yourself too.

3. Give them space
Although it's not good to isolate oneself during a breakup, there is a place for solitude. In fact, I truly believe some of my most healing moments came from times where I was able to be alone with my emotions. I was able to sort through them, cry, pray, and honestly just spend time doing things that I enjoyed. It was in those moments where I had space that I began to rebuild myself piece by piece. If they don't want to talk about it, don't make them. If they need to be alone instead of going out with friends, let them. That is them listening to what their soul needs and that is healthy. That space is likely crucial to their healing, and your understanding as their community means more than you think.

4. Give their feelings validation
Our emotions are real and they are valid; we feel them for a reason. If we didn't have emotions, we'd walk around like robots and that's not at all what God intended. It does no good to suppress our emotions, nor does it do any good to let them reign. Regardless, we feel them just the same, and when we feel them, often we just need to know that what we are feeling is normal and that it is valid. Even if we don't understand someone's pain, it doesn't make any less valid. Just a simple acknowledgement of this truth can bring so much freedom to someone who is struggling.

5. Give them a hug
And for the love of God, give them a hug from time to time. So much healing can be transmitted from a simple hug from one believer to another. The best part? You don't have to say anything.

Yes breakups are awkward. Yes they're uncomfortable. But they're also an opportunity for ministry. The Bible says in Psalms 34:18 that God is close to the brokenhearted. Since we are vessels for God's plan for healing and freedom for people on this Earth, that means we must be close to the brokenhearted too. Breakups aren't just an opportunity, it's our responsibility to be the hands and feet of Jesus to our brokenhearted brothers and sisters.

Right now, I’m walking through probably the second hardest season of my entire life. One that’s rivaling the number one spot from the very incident that led me to write an entire book on anxiety and depression. Except this season, unlike the other, was brought on by someone else’s decisions, which somehow makes it harder than a battle that’s solely internal. Regardless of the nuances of it, I just know it hurts. A lot.

Pain is real. Heartbreak is real. Tears are real. Hopelessness is real. Doubt is real. All of that and more are real things that happen for us in our lives whether we want them to or not, and grief is such an interesting phenomenon because all of those things happen simultaneously. The problem is that so many of us try to regulate the time frame and acceptability of such things which is incredibly harmful for our healing.

I’m talking about the nagging feeling within you that says, “If you were stronger, you’d be over this by now,” or, “You’ve cried about this already, you’re being dramatic,” or, “Why are you grieving like this? You didn’t even date them for that long,” or maybe even, “You guys weren’t even that close, why are you so sad that they’re dead?” Whatever it is, we try to regulate the time frame and conditions by which it’s acceptable to feel pain and it’s crap. It’s complete and utter crap. And what annoys me about it is that we are fighting those thoughts within us because they come from somewhere. Whether it’s a comment made in passing, a sneer, or an ill-timed joke, people as a whole are not great about handling pain well. It’s uncomfortable for both the person feeling it and those around them. The alarming thing is, the Christian community isn’t much better about it than the world is.

It’s become the norm in the Christian community where it’s not so much, “Give yourself grace, take the time you need to heal, and let me walk with you,” but rather, “Stop holding on to it and give it to God," which is really just a nice Christianese way of saying, "Get over it." Both feeling pain and letting God heal your pain are valid concepts, but they’re also not at odds with each other.

You see, the thing about pain is that it demands to be felt. Even if you suppress it, it has this nasty habit of coming back to the surface in the future. Suppressing pain is like trying to keep a beach ball underwater; it always comes back up. So thus, the only true way out of pain is through it, and sometimes that process is long. Sometimes that process is messy. And sometimes that process is a lot of work. Are we going to be willing to walk alongside people in their pain for all of that? Or is it easier for us to just pass them off to God and wipe our hands clean of the responsibility that God has called us to?

This is not to say that God should not be part of the healing process. Far from it. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that God’s word is very clear about the purpose of human relationships on the earth. That’s why Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,” (ESV). The direction there is very clear; we must walk with each other through our deepest pains no matter how long it takes and no matter how messy it is.

God’s plan for humans’ freedom on the Earth is you. Plain and simple. That’s why relationships are so important and why they’re so deeply attacked. It’s also why Jesus didn’t roll the stone away from Lazarus’s grave or “un-mummy” Lazarus himself; he made people do it. Why? Because Jesus does what he can do, and leaves the rest up to us.

But what’s the first thing they said when Jesus told them to move the stone? “He smells.” Yeah of course he does; he’s been dead for 4 days. They were more willing to save themselves from their friend’s stench than to get in there and do what needed to be done to bring him back to life. How often is this our answer to God as well? How often do we move away from people when their mess gets to be “too much” for us instead of doing what needs to be done to bring them back to life? Of course they’re in pain, someone close to them just died. Of course they're in pain, they just lost everything they worked for. Of course they're in pain, their dream is dead. Roll away the stone anyway.

One of my closest friends has told me time and time again that it’s an honor to walk with me through this season and I think she’s right. Bearing with one another’s burdens is an honor which is why God lets us do it rather than doing it all himself. We get to watch God work through impossible and painful circumstances and to say, “Remember when you were there? Look where you are now.”

If I'm being completely honest, as a whole, Christians annoy the fire out of me. I realize that sounds a bit harsh and confusing given that I am a Christian myself, but let me explain.

The stereotypical Christian is seen as oblivious to the real world, offering formulaic advice, and often over complicate things. That's how the world sees us, and if I'm being honest I don't really blame them because I see it all the time as well. But, if anything out of those three annoys me the most, it's the latter. I've found that over the years, as Christians we overcomplicate life and that's a problem because most of the time the rules and formulas we've put in place aren't even Biblical at all; they're just pieces of advice that may have worked for us that we've coined as equal if not more important to follow than the Bible.

One of the biggest things we've overcomplicated is prayer vs. action. Often times when making a tough decision, we are quick to offer the trite advice, "Just pray about it and trust God," without acknowledging the other very real aspect to it: action. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we should not step out in faith and make some moves nor does it say that doing so means that we have less faith. In fact, often times God works through our risks and actions. Why have we pitted the two against each other as if they're opposites? Aren't they more likely to be successive steps than anything else?

For example. If we're unemployed and praying for a job, can we honestly say we are wavering in our faith if we apply for said job? Can God lay it on a boss's heart to just randomly call us up and offer us a job miraculously? Certainly, but more often than not, God's miracles come in the mundane. God's miracles come after the first step. And by our sitting around and waiting without proactive action, I would argue that we are living in an illusion that we are trusting God, when in reality we are really just trusting our fear. I know this because this is how I live. I live in fear of what MIGHT happen.

I once heard fear described as being wrapped in bubble wrap: it protects you from harm, but restricts your movement. Check out this short video from my pastor to see what I mean.




You see, fear says, "Better not apply for that job because I don't want to be disappointed if I don't get it."
Fear says, "Better not tell that person how I feel about them because the last time I did that, I got rejected."
Fear often uses prayer as a cop out for action. And that's exactly where the enemy wants you because he will twist good things to get you stuck where you are. Is it good to pray first? Absolutely. Please don't misunderstand me. But is it also sometimes good to go out on a limb, take a risk, and trust God through the process? Yes.

Save the times God comes through in the miraculous...

You can't get that job if you don't apply.
You can't get that guy/girl if you don't take a risk and tell them how you feel.
You can't get your dream house if you never go looking for it.
You can't have kids if you don't...well you know.

Taking a [healthy] risk is Biblical. God never said, "Thou shalt not text him/her first," or "Blessed are those who sit in their house and wait for a job to drop out of the sky." Jesus called Peter to take action to step out of the boat. THEN the miraculous happened. What if the miracle isn't in how the process is initiated, but rather what happens after you take that step?

Let's not over complicate this; let's be bold. If you want it and your heart has been aligned with God's word on it, then please for the love of God (and your sanity) go for it. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten. Pray, listen for God's voice, and then go out there and do it.

I hate the word “just,” and I’ve decided to cut it out of my vocabulary entirely. Particularly when speaking to someone going through a trial. Here’s why.

Over the years, I’ve found myself going to well-meaning, fellow Christians to process something going on in my life expecting comfort and healing only to have that pesky adverb thrown in my face.

“Just be content where you are.”

“Just rest in His presence.”

“Just pray.”

“Just trust.”

Now, these phrases in and of themselves are actually really solid pieces of advice; not to mention biblically sound. But when “just” is added to it what people like me hear is, “The solution to your difficult problem is actually really simple.” They hear, “Your problem is silly and you’ve just wasted your time. I told you that you were overreacting.”

“Just” implies that the listener hasn’t already come to that conclusion that you’ve proposed. Which is silly because it’s likely the first thing they have done. They know that’s the answer, but right now they aren't seeing progress and simply need a shoulder to cry on.

“Just” implies that the answer is as black and white as what you’ve proposed. Which is often not the case at all. More often than not, the situation is not black and white at all and goes a lot deeper than what you understand of it.

“Just” implies that the listener must try harder in order for his/her problem to go away. Which often only makes things worse and leads to disillusionment when doing what you’ve proposed doesn’t work right away.

I’d like to propose this: Jesus is not a “just” father. Now, I mean “just” in the adverb sense NOT the adjective sense because He very much is just. I mean that when we come to the feet of Jesus and lay out our struggles, He doesn’t give us a laundry list of "justs" for us to accomplish in order to fix it. He certainly didn't do that to the woman with the bleeding disorder who reached out to Him for healing. He didn't do that to the paralyzed man who came in through the roof. No, He listens, He mourns, He comforts, He protects, and He heals.

Speak truth over your friend if they need it, absolutely. But sometimes people need to be heard. Sometimes the best advice is none at all. Sometimes the most comforting thing is to hear, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m praying for you and I’m here for you.”

I want to be a friend like that. Let's be like Jesus together.

Arguably, the most popular and most preached on story in the Bible is that of the Prodigal Son. And rightfully so as it is a beautiful picture of the way God loves us. But one thing that most people forget about is the story of the older brother, and that's upsetting to me because I'd argue a lot of us identify with him just as much as we identify with the younger son.

Imagine with me for a second:

You are an avid follower of God. You serve in your church so much that you're there more than you are at home. You read your Bible, you pray, you love God with everything you have. One day someone who's walked away from God comes back after being on a long winding road of destruction. They're back and they're ready to have God back in their lives. They get saved one Sunday during service. You are ecstatic for them! Nothing is better than seeing people's lives reconciled to Christ. But it doesn't stop there. All of a sudden over the next few months, God starts blessing them left and right. All of a sudden they have an awesome job, a life-giving romantic relationship, they're leading in the church, and to top it all off: everyone loves them. You know you should be happy for them, but you can't help but wonder why God is blessing them and not you. Aren't you more loyal? You've been here the entire time! How come they get all the stuff you've been praying for and believing for for years? Why did God pull out all the stops for them and not for you? Does He love you less?

Ever been there? I know I have. Although those feelings are very valid, I believe there's one huge issue this reveals about how we view God:

God is not a god of formulas
As humans, I think it's easy to sit and try to calculate where "we've gone wrong" when we see others getting blessed "above" us. But what I think we fail to recognize is that God is not a god of formulas. God's not into algebraic equations when it comes to blessing us. He blesses us not based on what we plug in or bring to the table, but based on things far above what we can understand or comprehend. God's not impressed by the fact that I read my Bible everyday, or serve in my church, or even the fact that I'm obedient because He's not human. He's not into positive reinforcement. He's not someone who blesses based on performance. He blesses based on His grace. And what's more is that given our response, our brother probably understands the true value of grace more than we do. Our brother knows that without grace he wouldn't be home right now living with the restored inheritance he was so quick to give up. He knows that without grace he'd be dead. He knows that anything God blesses him with here on this earth is nothing compared to the saving grace that he's just received from his father. I'd venture to say us "older brothers" have lost sight of that. We've lost sight of the value of grace and the fact that we have the exact same gift that our "younger brother" has, we've just placed it on our shelf to look at instead of carrying it with us and actually treasuring it. We've quite possibly forgotten what God has truly saved us from and the fact that He just wants us to celebrate with our brother. He wants us to stop performing and abide in His love. Let's stop forgetting. Let's actively remember.

I’d venture to say that we all have something we are believing God for no matter how big or small it is. Maybe it’s a breakthrough in a job situation. Maybe it’s restoration for a marriage on the rocks. Or maybe, if you’re like me, you’re praying to even have a marriage at all. Regardless, we — some of us more than others — know what it’s like to be in that season of waiting, but what happens when God finally does come through? Do we know what our next step is? That’s a different story entirely now isn’t it?

My Pastor preaches on Nehemiah better than anyone I’ve ever heard, and he shared this concept with us. There’s a section in chapter two where after months of praying, Nehemiah gains favor with the king. The king grants his request to go back home to rebuild the city, but what’s fascinating is that Nehemiah has a plan. He's been preparing in his season of waiting so that when God does come through, he is ready.

The king asked, “Well, how can I help you?”

With a prayer to the God of heaven, I replied, “If it please the king, and if you are pleased with me, your servant, send me to Judah to rebuild the city where my ancestors are buried.”

The king, with the queen sitting beside him, asked, “How long will you be gone? When will you return?” After I told him how long I would be gone, the king agreed to my request.

I also said to the king, “If it please the king, let me have letters addressed to the governors of the province west of the Euphrates River, instructing them to let me travel safely through their territories on my way to Judah. And please give me a letter addressed to Asaph, the manager of the king’s forest, instructing him to give me timber. I will need it to make beams for the gates of the Temple fortress, for the city walls, and for a house for myself.” And the king granted these requests, because the gracious hand of God was on me. - Nehemiah 2:4-8

What would it look like if we did that for the thing we are praying for? How would our faith be impacted? How much more would we trust God is doing His part as we are doing ours? How would our hearts become more expectant and at peace about what is to come?

Often preparing for an answered prayer that is seemingly far off hurts, which is why I think we don’t do it like we should. We fear the elusive “what-if.” “What if, after all this preparation, God doesn’t come through soon or worse yet, at all?” "What if I do all this preparation and it's for nothing?" And those are fair questions. But here’s another “what-if” for you: What if He DOES? What if He does answer your prayer and then you have no idea where to go from there? In that moment, preparation is going to be the thing you wish you would have done. So, here are three reasons why it's important to plan for the season you're not yet in.

1. It deepens your faith
I'm very passionate about the notion that faith is a spiritual muscle that we have to exercise; it's not something that gets stronger on its own. God doesn’t call us to sit where we are like a princess locked in a tower waiting on someone to come get us. That’s a passive, shallow faith. God calls us to an active, deep faith. This means that we plan for that answered prayer even when it’s nowhere in sight. It means we risk something each day when we actively plan for it. It means we are depending on God to come through as we do what we can do in the natural. So we get our resume ready and send it out even though we don't know if we will get that job. It means we start praying for our spouse even when they're so distant and praying is the last thing we want to do. It means we work to better ourselves. It means we learn all we can about where we are going even when it sometimes hurts to do so. It means we prepare for the season we are not yet in.

2. It cultivates an expectant heart
The daily reminder I get when I prepare for the season I'm not yet in is this: God is going to come through in this. Even though I may not feel it today, I still expect Him to do so. Preparing allows me to have an expectant heart without necessarily having expectations. Why? Since I'm doing what I can to prepare myself for my future season, the idea of it isn't necessarily abstract. Rather, it's more realistic and less ethereal because I'm practically doing something about it. Often I think disappointment comes from unmet expectations which are often not fulfilled because they are unrealistic. Preparing for my next season allows me to be real and intentional about where I'm going instead of just dreaming about what it will be like.

3. It develops a responsibility
Often we feel like an answered prayer will take stress off of our lives, but in reality, an answered prayer is actually a new responsibility. That job you’re praying for? It takes work. That marriage you are praying for? It takes work. That kid you are praying for? It takes work. A lot of times people get very spiritual about callings or prayers; as if the breakthrough is just going to fall out of the sky and no work is involved at all. But in reality, the best way to prepare for the responsibility you are praying yourself into is to learn, grow, and cultivate yourself as much as you can in the natural. Of course this looks different for everyone, but if you want an example of something specific to my journey that I've been doing recently, click here to read more about it!

My Pastor said it like this, “Be prepared in the season of your answer.” And I love that because it implies that your answer is coming. That season is coming as surely as winter gives way to spring. But the question is, will you be prepared when you get there?