Simply Profound

What Last Year's Christmas Taught Me

Christmas 25 December

Statistically, I feel like everyone experiences a terrible Christmas at least once in their lives. It's normal to have a bad day, but on Christmas it almost seems criminal to experience. I experienced such a bad day last year when a prolonged anxiety attack paired with crippling depression landed me in the ER on Christmas Day. This year, I've found myself remembering where I was a year ago, and reflecting on what I've learned.

The Christmas season is one that is filled with sensory elements that are unlike any other season throughout the year. There are many sights, sounds, and smells that are so unique to Christmas. And since such things tend to cement memories, this season has been filled with a lot of flashbacks to last year. However, not all of them have been bad. This year, I found myself thinking about what the entire meaning of this season is and realizing just how intentional God is in using everything.

One of the biggest things I learned over this past year was the true value of God's grace. I've gone into detail on this in my book and other blog posts, but it's truly something that I took for granted for a good part of my Christian life. Grace is unmerited favor. Grace is freeing. Grace is healing. Grace is everything. And it's exactly what God sent His son here to accomplish. Because of Christmas, I've been given the gift of grace.

Recently I've been doing a devotional that is a Bible verse a day. I personally (having done a variety of different Bible studies) am really enjoying the small chunk format that this study puts it in for me. It gives me the ability to really break down the context and etymology of each verse, and as a result get more out of it. Yesterday was a jam-packed Christmas Eve and admittedly, I missed my quiet time. I find myself often wondering (even though it's ridiculous) if the day I missed is a word for yesterday rather than today. Neglecting to remember, of course, that God factored in my mishap. Today, I opened up what was supposed to be the verse for yesterday and found that my missing yesterday actually led me to such an important reminder from God today. This was the verse:

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—" - Ephesians 2:8 (NIV)

God reminded me through this that even though last year's Christmas brought a great deal of pain, tears, and memories that I will not soon forget; it also brought a renewed sense of what grace really is. Each year from this year on, I will see Christmas for what it really is: an opportunity to thank God for the gift of His son and the many gifts that come as a result of his sacrifice; one of them being grace.

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To the Boys Who Didn't Love Me Back

Personal 22 November

To the 3 boys who didn't love me back,

I'm writing this open letter not to call any of you out, but rather because I'm finally coming to a place where I can sort out the purpose that each of you served in my life and be thankful for each one. I'm writing this to encourage so many others struggling with unrequited love that there is a purpose in their pain, even if it takes years to find out what it is.

To my first love (if you can call it that): You were the first boy I ever really liked and to some extent even loved. You were kind, funny, smart, and super fun to be around. I liked you not because you were the most popular person in the 8th grade, or because you were super attractive, or even because you had the best style (because really you were none of those things), but rather I liked you because of your personality. You were the first boy I ever really seriously liked apart from the casual, flippant middle school way of a different crush every hour. Yes, it's true you didn't feel the same about me, and yes I would have liked to have been the one to have told you that I liked you rather than someone else telling you, but we both know how 8th grade goes. One thing I appreciated about you though when all was said and done was your graciousness throughout the situation. When we were 14, you handled my heart better than some 24 year olds have since then. Loving you taught me, in this my first real love, that character is the most important thing in a person, and to never compromise on that. Not only because it lasts, but because it's so dang fun to love someone who is fun to be around. Loving you also taught me how to let go. My feelings lasted long beyond 8th grade (a trend that later would be characteristic of all my relationships), but eventually one day I just had to lay it down and move forward. I want to thank you though for your maturity, which was far beyond your years, where you were still my friend even after it was awkward. The friend zone wasn't as painful with you as it has been since then.

To the one who broke my heart: People reading this are going to think you're the bad guy from your pseudonym, but I want to make it clear that you're not. I don't believe that. Granted, the situation sucked and it was more unpleasant than it ever was pleasant, but that doesn't make you a bad guy. In fact, in a weird way I'm thankful for you because out of the three, I learned the most from loving you. You showed me that someone could actually be attracted to me and pursue me, which was something I questioned would ever happen. That became a reality for the first time with you. Unfortunately for you though, you were unknowingly the handsome hero in an imaginary reality that I built for myself within my own mind and when that didn't materialize the way I thought it would, the backdrop of my imaginary reality came crashing down in a crushing wave of disappointment. That part was completely on me. But the whole situation not working out wasn't all on me. Not even close. Even though you said a lot of things you never followed through on and continued in this habit long after you dropped me for someone else, I'm not angry with you...not anymore. This situation was a lot bigger than either of us and believe it or not I still think about you sometimes and wonder what you're doing. Whether your big dreams ever came true or if you have new dreams you want to pursue. Not because I still love you but because I still very much care about you. Loving you taught me how to forgive without a preceding apology, loving you taught me how to believe in someone's potential and encourage them in that, and most of all loving you taught me that I am worthy of a man who would give so much more than I was wanting (and much to my dismay, not receiving) from you.

To the one who seemed perfect: I still don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to think about you. On paper, and quite frankly on every other medium imaginable, you are the whole package. You are everything I prayed for and then some save this one thing: you couldn't care less about me. I've never felt so invisible in my life, not even with "the first love" and "the one who broke my heart." You are the hardest one to reconcile because by all counts it doesn't make sense. But, I'm still thankful because as much as I want to scream at you and tell you what for, loving you has taught me a great deal as well. I've learned how to seek God in my prospective relationships right out of the gate, which is something I was previously not doing. Loving you has taught me to be bold. I've done and said things I never would have done or said if you weren't on the receiving end. And possibly most importantly, loving you has taught me that I'm worthy and deserving of being unashamedly pursued which is something that, although I wanted you to do for a long time, you didn't do and probably never will.

To some degree I still love all of you. And please note I use love in a very loose way really because I don't know another way to describe it. You three are really the closest I've ever been to loving anyone and quite honestly I don't even think the love I have for all three of you even measures up to what real love is like. Mostly though, I still care about all of you. Not for any weird reason, but because you were important to me in one season of my life or another and just because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to doesn't mean I can't still root for you. I don't choose to like trash; I choose people I can see value in. I saw something in each one of you that I thought was worth caring about and your lack of attention doesn't change my posture towards you. It's true you never loved me back and in each instance I had to mourn an imaginary life that would never materialize, but I loved you nonetheless and loving each of you has taught me so many invaluable lessons. Hands down the greatest lesson I've learned from all three of you though is that human love will always pale in comparison to God's love. Where you ignored me, God gave me His undivided attention; where you said I wasn't good enough, God said, "You are good enough through me."; where you broke my heart, God restored it; where you never pursued, God ran towards me unashamedly; where you chose someone else above me, God said, "I chose you and I choose you. You are mine." And whoever does end up getting my whole heart in marriage will be the one to emulate that godly love. I hope you find that too because you deserve it.

Love always,
Megan

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Check Your Baggage

Faith 27 October

When flying, you have two types of baggage: checked baggage, and carry-on baggage. Each carries a different purpose and as such two different procedures exist for getting them to the traveler's destination. A checked bag exceeds the size and weight restrictions of the carry on and includes anything the flyer doesn't need during their journey. The carry-on includes items the flyer does need for immediate retrieval during the journey and is typically smaller in size.

Flying can be stressful though. You have to get to the airport like 187 hours early, you have to check in, then wait 70 hours to go through security, and another 58 hours to actually board the plane. Of course, along the way come many other stressors such as outlandish security procedures and countless carry on restrictions. However, usually the one thing on the bottom of the flyer's stress list is their checked baggage getting to their destination.

Now, I'm not a frequent flyer, but I've flown enough to know how flying works and I can honestly say that I have never stressed about my checked bags getting to my destination once they've been checked. Isn't that so interesting? We have such a great amount of trust that the bag is going to get to our destination intact when we don't see where it goes after we hand it to the clerk. We are able to trust that the process is sound enough to get our valuable items to our destination without our actually carrying it with us.

What if we started doing this with God? What if we packed up all of our hopes and dreams and things we are praying for into a big suitcase, zipped it tight, and checked it in with God? Can't we trust that it will get to our destination safe and sound?

You see, there are certain things that we need immediately available in the "carry-on baggage" of our spiritual flight from one season to the next, but then there are other things that while definitely important and valuable in the grand scheme of things, are not needed immediately.

There are certain promises in my life that God has shared with me that I haven't seen come to pass yet. It's been very painful and very frustrating to be in this waiting process for such a long time. I also have a control issue, and as such I have trouble giving up things that are valuable to me. Recently, I've been feeling like I need to release control to God, but I can't figure out where the balance is with these very real promises and desires I have in my heart. This is because I typically tend to either give up or hold on too tightly. I've tried it both ways and both ways don't work, so I realized that there has to be some middle ground here, but have struggled to figure out what that actually is and what it looks like.

I realized that relinquishing control of my deepest God-given desires to God doesn't make them any less mine just as checking baggage with airport staff doesn't make the contents in my suitcase any less mine. God gave me these hopes and dreams and He doesn't want me to trash them, He just wants me to trust them with Him! It also doesn't mean they aren't important. In fact, usually much of what we pack in our checked baggage is actually crucial to our life-long journey, but while we are getting from one season to another, we don't need it. And if we were to try to carry our large checked bags on the plane with us, our journey would be that much more difficult not only for us, but for everyone else on that flight with us.

I'm challenging myself (and hopefully you will join me on this challenge as well) to start intentionally choosing to think of giving things over to God not as defeat, but rather as giving it to Him for safekeeping so our journey is that much more effective. I think we will be surprised to see that when we claim our baggage at the end of our metaphorical flight, with God, everything will be intact and will probably include more than we expected.

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Perfect Peace

Peace 28 August

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A Leap of Faith

Boldness 12 August

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What is the Truth?

Christianity 12 July

I've come to realize that one of the biggest schemes of the enemy is the "half-truth." Sure destruction and division are big ones too, but I'd argue that all of the schemes of the enemy derive from half-truths. That doesn't sound very intimidating right? Well I'd agree. However, the primary goal of the enemy is not to intimate or scare, it's to separate. And half-truths do just that.

When I was younger, I used to watch re-runs of a show from the 70s called "Three's Company." I don't really know why I was so into it, but nonetheless, I watched it pretty much every night around 10 or 11 pm. I remember always getting so frustrated because every single episode the conflict or problem the plot was based around was always based off of hearsay. Two individuals would be talking and another character would overhear them at just the right moment in the conversation for it to be awkward or scandalous. Then they would go and spread it around until eventually the conflict blew up and resolution came when everything was explained. I remember thinking that all of this could have been avoided if they would have just minded their own business, or gone straight to the source (or perhaps have been a better spy and heard the whole conversation). But you know, what's interesting is that what the overhearer heard wasn't completely a lie; they heard it with their own ears and based on their reasoning and flawed human imagination, the scandalous scenario was birthed. However, what if they had heard the rest of the story? Would division have happened? Would anxiety and worry arise? Probably not because in context it would have made sense. This is exactly the harm a half-truth can cause and I know this because I fall for it far more often than I'd like to admit.

Case in point: today I was perusing Pinterest because, I don't know, I'm a basic 24 year old woman. And actually, Pinterest is my favorite social media because I don't feel like I'm competing with people I know, rather I actually am relaxed and inspired by all of the different things I come across! Quite honestly, I usually don't have to worry about seeing something on Pinterest that might make me anxious or uneasy like facebook might; except for today. Today I came across something one of my friends had pinned about defense mechanisms and where they stem from. I clicked on it because psychology intrigues me. As I looked at it I began to look at some of the behaviors I exhibit as a defense mechanism and it made a lot of sense; I was really identifying with it! However, I came across one defense mechanism listed and I was actually really bothered by it. It was "spiritualization: it's all a divine plan." Yep, alongside other such negative behaviors like cynicism was something I never considered to be negative at all! It really threw me for a loop. How can a lot of this make sense and this one thing stick out as inherently wrong?

My sister has a saying she adopted from the internet and she uses it when there is seemingly conflicting evidence from both sides. She says, in usually a fairly humorous tone, "What is the truth?" And that's exactly what I was feeling, but I couldn't let it go.

I took a walk and started to really contemplate the truth of psychology, my faith, and a plethora of other abstract things. Then it dawned on me (thank you Jesus), "What if it's neither all right or all wrong?" I felt an urging to contemplate the truth of what I was confused about. What if spirituality is a defense mechanism? Are all defense mechanisms negative? I realized this was yet another half-truth that the enemy was trying to get me to buy into to separate me from the Lord and I was not going to buy it!

I realized there are some people that buy into what I like to call, "Wimpy Christianity." Wimpy Christianity is the idea that when you're a Christian, you don't have to do anything, that God will just come in and magically fix everything in your life. What's funny is Wimpy Christianity is another half-truth the enemy likes to plant to keep Christians lukewarm. Of course you're still going to go through trials and of course Christianity requires you to get up and walk through it. I thought about how some people must view Christianity as a crutch and that we just "explain away life's problems and never deal with them." I laughed when I realized how false that actually is! If people knew anything about the opposite of Wimpy Christianity, Boss Christianity, then they would know that it actually requires you to work through your problems and face them head on! It requires you to address your insecurities. Do we have all the answers as to why things happen? That's a big resounding no! Heck, I'm confused about that 90% of the time. But here's where the half-truth gets us, do we believe that there's a divine plan? Absolutely. However, although those who ascribe to Wimpy Christianity stop there and wallow in their pain, Boss Christians realize it's a part of a divine plan, yes, but pick themselves up and walk through it.

I also realized that this shouldn't be news to me. Of course it's a defense mechanism, mostly against the enemy! I'd venture to say the Bible pretty much backs me up on this. When he tries to get us to believe that everything is hopeless, we play defense with, "It's all a divine plan. He works all things together for my good." I also realized that alongside the negative defense mechanisms were other positive ones like "sublimation: turn it into art." How many of the greatest and most beautiful pieces of art have been birthed this way? More than we can count! And is it negative? Absolutely not! Who says all defense mechanisms are negative?

Don't let half-truths trip you up. Although the alternatives may be scary, face them head on and weigh the options. Often I think you'll find the truth is somewhere in the middle.

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