To the 3 boys who didn't love me back,

I'm writing this open letter not to call any of you out, but rather because I'm finally coming to a place where I can sort out the purpose that each of you served in my life and be thankful for each one. I'm writing this to encourage so many others struggling with unrequited love that there is a purpose in their pain, even if it takes years to find out what it is.

To my first love (if you can call it that): You were the first boy I ever really liked and to some extent even loved. You were kind, funny, smart, and super fun to be around. I liked you not because you were the most popular person in the 8th grade, or because you were super attractive, or even because you had the best style (because really you were none of those things), but rather I liked you because of your personality. You were the first boy I ever really seriously liked apart from the casual, flippant middle school way of a different crush every hour. Yes, it's true you didn't feel the same about me, and yes I would have liked to have been the one to have told you that I liked you rather than someone else telling you, but we both know how 8th grade goes. One thing I appreciated about you though when all was said and done was your graciousness throughout the situation. When we were 14, you handled my heart better than some 24 year olds have since then. Loving you taught me, in this my first real love, that character is the most important thing in a person, and to never compromise on that. Not only because it lasts, but because it's so dang fun to love someone who is fun to be around. Loving you also taught me how to let go. My feelings lasted long beyond 8th grade (a trend that later would be characteristic of all my relationships), but eventually one day I just had to lay it down and move forward. I want to thank you though for your maturity, which was far beyond your years, where you were still my friend even after it was awkward. The friend zone wasn't as painful with you as it has been since then.

To the one who broke my heart: People reading this are going to think you're the bad guy from your pseudonym, but I want to make it clear that you're not. I don't believe that. Granted, the situation sucked and it was more unpleasant than it ever was pleasant, but that doesn't make you a bad guy. In fact, in a weird way I'm thankful for you because out of the three, I learned the most from loving you. You showed me that someone could actually be attracted to me and pursue me, which was something I questioned would ever happen. That became a reality for the first time with you. Unfortunately for you though, you were unknowingly the handsome hero in an imaginary reality that I built for myself within my own mind and when that didn't materialize the way I thought it would, the backdrop of my imaginary reality came crashing down in a crushing wave of disappointment. That part was completely on me. But the whole situation not working out wasn't all on me. Not even close. Even though you said a lot of things you never followed through on and continued in this habit long after you dropped me for someone else, I'm not angry with you...not anymore. This situation was a lot bigger than either of us and believe it or not I still think about you sometimes and wonder what you're doing. Whether your big dreams ever came true or if you have new dreams you want to pursue. Not because I still love you but because I still very much care about you. Loving you taught me how to forgive without a preceding apology, loving you taught me how to believe in someone's potential and encourage them in that, and most of all loving you taught me that I am worthy of a man who would give so much more than I was wanting (and much to my dismay, not receiving) from you.

To the one who seemed perfect: I still don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to think about you. On paper, and quite frankly on every other medium imaginable, you are the whole package. You are everything I prayed for and then some save this one thing: you couldn't care less about me. I've never felt so invisible in my life, not even with "the first love" and "the one who broke my heart." You are the hardest one to reconcile because by all counts it doesn't make sense. But, I'm still thankful because as much as I want to scream at you and tell you what for, loving you has taught me a great deal as well. I've learned how to seek God in my prospective relationships right out of the gate, which is something I was previously not doing. Loving you has taught me to be bold. I've done and said things I never would have done or said if you weren't on the receiving end. And possibly most importantly, loving you has taught me that I'm worthy and deserving of being unashamedly pursued which is something that, although I wanted you to do for a long time, you didn't do and probably never will.

To some degree I still love all of you. And please note I use love in a very loose way really because I don't know another way to describe it. You three are really the closest I've ever been to loving anyone and quite honestly I don't even think the love I have for all three of you even measures up to what real love is like. Mostly though, I still care about all of you. Not for any weird reason, but because you were important to me in one season of my life or another and just because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to doesn't mean I can't still root for you. I don't choose to like trash; I choose people I can see value in. I saw something in each one of you that I thought was worth caring about and your lack of attention doesn't change my posture towards you. It's true you never loved me back and in each instance I had to mourn an imaginary life that would never materialize, but I loved you nonetheless and loving each of you has taught me so many invaluable lessons. Hands down the greatest lesson I've learned from all three of you though is that human love will always pale in comparison to God's love. Where you ignored me, God gave me His undivided attention; where you said I wasn't good enough, God said, "You are good enough through me."; where you broke my heart, God restored it; where you never pursued, God ran towards me unashamedly; where you chose someone else above me, God said, "I chose you and I choose you. You are mine." And whoever does end up getting my whole heart in marriage will be the one to emulate that godly love. I hope you find that too because you deserve it.

Love always,
Megan

Flying can be stressful though. You have to get to the airport like 187 hours early, you have to check in, then wait 70 hours to go through security, and another 58 hours to actually board the plane. Of course, along the way come many other stressors such as outlandish security procedures and countless carry on restrictions. However, usually the one thing on the bottom of the flyer's stress list is their checked baggage getting to their destination.

My church does this really cool 21 day long initiative known as "21 Days of Prayer." Its aim is to get the church to see the power of prayer both corporately and individually in the hopes that they will continue it long after the event is over. We do it twice a year in August and January and this was the first time since joining the church that I'd really wholeheartedly participated.

A couple of weeks before 21 Days, I was distraught. It had been a year since I felt God had spoken to me on the next big thing in my life and yet I was still living in a wilderness of uncertainty. My heart was restless and searching constantly for answers. I went in to this 21 Days asking for an answer and asking for clarification. On the day before it started, I was reading Habakkuk 2. I turned there for verse 3 which says:

"This vision is for a future time.
    It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.
If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,
    for it will surely take place.
    It will not be delayed." 

That encouraged me, but what God was really leading me to was verse 1 which says,

"I will climb up to my watchtower
and stand at my guardpost.
There I will wait to see what the Lord says
and how he will answer my complaint."

As I read I saw that verse 3 was an answer to Habakkuk's fervor in verse 1. I felt Him impress upon me to seek Him the best way I knew how and to not give up until I got an answer. And that's just what I did. Every single weekday morning, I got up and participated in 6 am Prayer. There were some days I dozed off while seeking God, there were some days I contemplated quitting because I wasn't seeing results, but I still went and each morning He was faithful to speak to me and teach me. I participated in each part of this event not out of obligation, but in the hopes that God would keep meeting me and keep clarifying things. And that He did, but not really how I expected.

God did give me clarity on what I need to do next in this journey and that's an answered prayer, but more than that I've learned such an invaluable lesson: trust in God includes trust in his timing and method of fulfillent. This sounds obvious, and it's not new information but rather a new revelation. I've been learning that God's character is worthy to be trusted and He is faithful to what He promises. Just because I don't see an answer in front of me doesn't mean He isn't working. I am at peace with the yet to be fulfilled promises in my life because I have learned to trust in God. I am at peace as a result of seeking God in these 21 days. On this the end of the 21 days, God reaffirmed what He taught me by reminding me of the following verse:

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you." - Isaiah 26:3

He is keeping me in a place of perfect peace because my mind is focused on Him and because I'm trusting Him with my uncertainty. I didn't come out of this time of intense prayer with the results I thought I would, and quite honestly my situation hasn't changed much, it's actually gotten a little worse. However, I'm continuing to pray and continuing to trust that this will be part of my testimony when the Lord does come through. And He will.

By definition, to leap is "to spring through the air from one point or position to another." I think the most crucial part of that definition is not the act of springing, but rather where the subject is springing to. The definition says that the subject (the person doing the action) springs from one position to another. This requires movement.

A couple of years ago, I went on a trip to a week-long student trip with my church. These are my absolute favorite. I love pouring into students' lives and seeing them further their relationship with Christ. However, this one was probably the most challenging one I have done in my 5 years serving in student ministry not because of the students but because of the nature of the trip. This wasn't a week long trip in a 5 star hotel, or even a hotel at all to be honest, it was a week long CAMPING trip. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate being outside. I just don't like it. I don't like being hot, I can only stand so long being cold, there are bugs and random animals outside, one usually gets dirty outside; I'm just not about it. But I sucked it up and went on this trip because I love students so much. One of the activities of the day was a time for us to swim in the lake there, and one of the most popular attractions during that time was the high dive. It consisted of a wooden structure in which you had to climb a million stairs to get up to. Somehow, the students convinced me to try it and so I conceded. I swear, students can pretty much get me to do just about anything and it's really just because I love them so much that I don't want to disappoint them. So I climbed what felt like 800 stairs to the top and as it neared my turn I got more and more nervous. I'm not typically afraid of heights, but it still gives you the willies to look down and see how far up you are. It was finally my turn and the only advice the lifeguard gave me was, "Make sure you pencil dive so your arms don't hit the water too hard." Seemed easy enough, until I couldn't do it. I waited there for a good minute or so trying to hype myself up enough to just jump already! I eventually did, but in the chaos, I forgot to put my arms down and they hit the water so hard that I had bruises underneath for the next few days.

We all get to points in our lives where we are required to step outside of our comfort zone, trust God, and jump. But I've found that at least in my life, I'm terrible at it. The idea of trusting God is good in theory but when it comes to actually getting ready to jump, I shrink back to what's comfortable. But what I neglected to realize is that this is actually a really unhelpful strategy if I want to move forward in my situation.

I was talking to my friend Trevor the other day and he said something in passing that stuck out to me, "A ship can only be steered if it's moving." I'd never thought of it that way but he's right! If a ship is docked, the wind can't direct the sails because there's no movement.

Look at these two verses and see what they both have in common with the metaphor about the ship:

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
    He delights in every detail of their lives. - Psalms 37:23 (NLT)

We can make our plans,
    but the Lord determines our steps. - Proverbs 16:9 (NLT)

Did you catch it? Both include the word, "steps," which implies movement just as the ship metaphor does. Perhaps God's given you a dream for your life or you are in the middle of a tough situation, but I'd venture to say that God can't move in your situation unless you do. He can only direct if you are moving. This is absolutely revolutionary, in order to move forward, you've got to move. I know right? Groundbreaking. But I think so often we expect God to miraculously fix our situation or just hand us our destiny on a silver platter when that's not how God works at all. Christine Caine says that God tends to work with those who are already working. If you look at a lot of the characters in the Bible, they had to step out in faith, not knowing if things would turn out as hoped, and trust that God would take care of them.

For so long I've been standing on the wooden high dive of my situation ready for God to do a miracle and get me to the water already when I haven't even moved at all. I'm no closer to the water if my feet stay planted on the platform than I am if I am standing at the bottom of the stairs. See the difference between where you are and where you want to be is movement. God will step in and handle the impossible, but you've got to jump.

"What if it doesn't turn out the way I hoped?" That's a real question and I'd venture to say the great heroes of the Bible like Ruth, Esther, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego etc. all thought that same thing at one point or another. But they all still stepped out in faith? Why? I think there are a few reasons:

1. They knew that nothing would change if they didn't try. Esther couldn't save her people if she didn't try to plead with the king. Ruth couldn't have moved on from the tragedy of her situation and even been in the lineage of Jesus if she didn't step out in faith and present herself to Boaz. Sure your situation might go the opposite direction of what you want but what if it doesn't? Isn't the possibility enough to make you want to try?

2. More importantly, they trusted that regardless of the outcome, God would be there for them. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego knew that death was a possibility, but they trusted that God would come through for them. Weren't they in denial then? I don't think so, because they weighed the negative outcome. Daniel 3:18 says,

"But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

Even if He doesn't save us. Even if we die in that fire, God is there. What's the "worst case" in your situation? Sure you might get bruised, but the water is still there to break your fall. Sure you may get hurt, face rejection, or straight up fail but God is still there to break your fall. He won't let you down.

I've come to realize that one of the biggest schemes of the enemy is the "half-truth." Sure destruction and division are big ones too, but I'd argue that all of the schemes of the enemy derive from half-truths. That doesn't sound very intimidating right? Well I'd agree. However, the primary goal of the enemy is not to intimate or scare, it's to separate. And half-truths do just that.

When I was younger, I used to watch re-runs of a show from the 70s called "Three's Company." I don't really know why I was so into it, but nonetheless, I watched it pretty much every night around 10 or 11 pm. I remember always getting so frustrated because every single episode the conflict or problem the plot was based around was always based off of hearsay. Two individuals would be talking and another character would overhear them at just the right moment in the conversation for it to be awkward or scandalous. Then they would go and spread it around until eventually the conflict blew up and resolution came when everything was explained. I remember thinking that all of this could have been avoided if they would have just minded their own business, or gone straight to the source (or perhaps have been a better spy and heard the whole conversation). But you know, what's interesting is that what the overhearer heard wasn't completely a lie; they heard it with their own ears and based on their reasoning and flawed human imagination, the scandalous scenario was birthed. However, what if they had heard the rest of the story? Would division have happened? Would anxiety and worry arise? Probably not because in context it would have made sense. This is exactly the harm a half-truth can cause and I know this because I fall for it far more often than I'd like to admit.

Case in point: today I was perusing Pinterest because, I don't know, I'm a basic 24 year old woman. And actually, Pinterest is my favorite social media because I don't feel like I'm competing with people I know, rather I actually am relaxed and inspired by all of the different things I come across! Quite honestly, I usually don't have to worry about seeing something on Pinterest that might make me anxious or uneasy like facebook might; except for today. Today I came across something one of my friends had pinned about defense mechanisms and where they stem from. I clicked on it because psychology intrigues me. As I looked at it I began to look at some of the behaviors I exhibit as a defense mechanism and it made a lot of sense; I was really identifying with it! However, I came across one defense mechanism listed and I was actually really bothered by it. It was "spiritualization: it's all a divine plan." Yep, alongside other such negative behaviors like cynicism was something I never considered to be negative at all! It really threw me for a loop. How can a lot of this make sense and this one thing stick out as inherently wrong?

My sister has a saying she adopted from the internet and she uses it when there is seemingly conflicting evidence from both sides. She says, in usually a fairly humorous tone, "What is the truth?" And that's exactly what I was feeling, but I couldn't let it go.

I took a walk and started to really contemplate the truth of psychology, my faith, and a plethora of other abstract things. Then it dawned on me (thank you Jesus), "What if it's neither all right or all wrong?" I felt an urging to contemplate the truth of what I was confused about. What if spirituality is a defense mechanism? Are all defense mechanisms negative? I realized this was yet another half-truth that the enemy was trying to get me to buy into to separate me from the Lord and I was not going to buy it!



I realized there are some people that buy into what I like to call, "Wimpy Christianity." Wimpy Christianity is the idea that when you're a Christian, you don't have to do anything, that God will just come in and magically fix everything in your life. What's funny is Wimpy Christianity is another half-truth the enemy likes to plant to keep Christians lukewarm. Of course you're still going to go through trials and of course Christianity requires you to get up and walk through it. I thought about how some people must view Christianity as a crutch and that we just "explain away life's problems and never deal with them." I laughed when I realized how false that actually is! If people knew anything about the opposite of Wimpy Christianity, Boss Christianity, then they would know that it actually requires you to work through your problems and face them head on! It requires you to address your insecurities. Do we have all the answers as to why things happen? That's a big resounding no! Heck, I'm confused about that 90% of the time. But here's where the half-truth gets us, do we believe that there's a divine plan? Absolutely. However, although those who ascribe to Wimpy Christianity stop there and wallow in their pain, Boss Christians realize it's a part of a divine plan, yes, but pick themselves up and walk through it.

I also realized that this shouldn't be news to me. Of course it's a defense mechanism, mostly against the enemy! I'd venture to say the Bible pretty much backs me up on this. When he tries to get us to believe that everything is hopeless, we play defense with, "It's all a divine plan. He works all things together for my good." I also realized that alongside the negative defense mechanisms were other positive ones like "sublimation: turn it into art." How many of the greatest and most beautiful pieces of art have been birthed this way? More than we can count! And is it negative? Absolutely not! Who says all defense mechanisms are negative?

Don't let half-truths trip you up. Although the alternatives may be scary, face them head on and weigh the options. Often I think you'll find the truth is somewhere in the middle.

There's a popular cartoon floating around the internet that depicts a cartoon heart alongside a cartoon brain. In each the theme is the same: the brain thinks things through and the heart follows what it feels. This is one of my favorite ones:



I find that I identify with the brain character more. However, I hate that about me. I wish a lot of times that I was more like the heart. Why does it matter? Well, although they are all in good fun, I find that the brain is depicted as the smart reasonable one and the heart the crazy, impulsive one. The brain is always reigning the heart back in while the heart overreacts with immense emotion illustrated usually in speech bubbles plagued by caps lock. Sometimes I don't want to be reasonable and I'd love to be a little more impulsive! This, and I know I overthink things 101% of the time and I really wish I didn't. I don't know about you, fellow overthinkers, but I tend to ignore what my heart says and I've found that it actually does more harm than good especially when it comes to my relationship with Christ.

One of the first messages I heard when I came back to the faith in college was on the wickedness of the heart. The pastor was speaking about how silly the phrase, "follow your heart," was for Christians because of the presence of sin in our lives. I get that, and I don't deny it, but unfortunately what I think happened is from then on I discounted what my heart said and only followed my mind. This worked for a while until I realized that my mind was just as wicked as my heart.

There is such a thing as knowing too much and it is painful. Soloman empathizes with this when he says,

"The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow." - Ecclesiastes 1:18

It's good to think through things intelligently, but too much of it can be harmful. I think the saying, "ignorance is bliss," holds some relevancy here. I say this because on more than one occasion, I've short circuited my brain with overthinking over things that I can't explain. I've never admitted this on my blog really, but I was diagnosed at a young age with an anxiety disorder that is due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. Some disorders come along later in life with the presence of a traumatic life event, but unfortunately, my parents saw signs of this in me from as early as age 4. Fast forward to 20 years later and I'm in the midst of the worst battle I've ever had with it. Most of the attacks were fueled by themes dealing with crippling anxiety over questions such as, "what if I lose my salvation?" and, "what if I don't believe at all?" No matter how much I tried to reason with myself, I could not gain certainty on these things and that's important because anxiety demands certainty; when it can't get it, we are back to spiraling because, "but what if?" However, throughout this battle, often with tears rolling down my face, my heart felt certainty when my brain had anything but that. I couldn't figure it out. Wasn't my heart wicked? Should I trust my heart at all? But shouldn't I if it's the one that's on the right track right now?

However, I realized (yet again) that my all or nothing thinking was not biblical at all!

"If you believe in your heart, and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, you will be saved." (paraphrase of Romans 10:9)

My church says this phrase a lot, as I'm sure many other churches do as well, but familiarity breeds complacency and so as such I heard it every week without ever really hearing it. But one day, again in the midst of a struggle with anxiety, I realized that we are asked to believe with our hearts NOT our minds.

Even in one of the most famous of scriptures, there it was again!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

It doesn't say trust with your mind, but your heart. In fact it pleads with us not to depend on our own understanding of things.

This is not to say that we should completely discount rational thought or that our minds don't play a role in belief, because that would have us wandering around like the heart in that cartoon. But we shouldn't discount the heart either unless one wants to have the same fate as I did. Rather, I think the relationship between the mind and the heart is symbiotic; they both need the other to survive. God was very intentional about giving us both and as such, I think there's a balance on how they should be used. One should filter rash emotions coming from the heart into rational thought and vice versa.

Recently, I have been struggling with severe doubt that quite honestly terrifies me and triggers the worst anxiety imaginable. I know what I believe and I feel the presence of it in my heart, but I have so many questions I cannot explain. One blogger hit the nail on the head when she said,

"The moment I begin to contemplate some of the stories, promises, and principles in the Bible from a strictly cerebral perspective doubt begins to creep in. Think about it: water turning into wine, multitudes being fed by a few loaves of bread and a couple of lousy fish, a sea parting so that people can cross without learning the backstroke, little guys killing giants, dead people coming back to life...come on! Sounds like something from a Tolkein novel."

I can identify with that! But the thing is, and many have harped on this over the years, the very principle of Christianity relies on faith and the opposite of faith is not doubt, it's certainty. I'd even argue that some doubt is essential to faith because the very act of faith asks us not to be certain about things. I can't explain the oxymoron that is "virgin mother." I have no idea how Jesus was all man but all God at the same time. I can't explain how miracles from the Word and in real life happened and still happen. But I know, mostly in my heart, that it's real and so I'm waiting for my mind to catch up.


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For those of you struggling with doubt, first know you are in good company. Don't forget Thomas was prone to doubt and God still used him. As well as the man who exclaimed, "I do believe, help me in my unbelief!" The same can be said for Mother Teresa, Charles Spurgeon, C.S. Lewis, and more. Although doubt is pretty taboo in the church and is hardly ever talked about, more people struggle with it than you realize. I did want to share a couple of blogs that I found especially helpful though. Perhaps the insight will benefit you as it did me.

Doubting God by Diane Markins
The Doubting Christian by Jason Boyett