Last week I wrote a blog about waiting and recently waiting has been the biggest area of challenge for me; God is really teaching me patience and trust in this season of my life. As such, waiting has been popping up everywhere and it's given me time to think and meditate on my crucial response to this test. On Monday, I was present for a sermon by a pastor at my church that really gave me a lot to think about. One of the points that really hit home for me was this, "Do I really believe that God will come through for me?" As soon as I saw the words on the screen, I took about 30 seconds to really just let that set in and ponder it for myself. "Do I really believe that? What hinders me from believing it? What am I afraid of? What would it look like to walk in confidence of what God has promised? What will it look like when He does come through?" And as I was praying about it on my way home I came to a conclusion. God will answer this prayer in one of three ways: yes, not yet, or no. Each answer is solid and unwavering. God doesn't change His mind because He doesn't need to; He already knows the end. So as I was praying I thought about each possibility and really gained a new understanding through it. I'd love to share what I've learned with you.

1. If yes, God will fulfill it. I don't need to do anything.
One of the coolest things in the sermon I mentioned earlier was what my pastor said about trying to make things come about of our own power. He said that a lot of us carry pressure we were never meant to carry to fulfill things within our life, because that pressure is supposed to be on God! Put the pressure on God! He can handle it! The God who created the entire world is strong enough to take on your life's pressure. Rest knowing that if the answer is yes, you're not going to miss it.

2. If no, God will let me know and walk me through it.
My biggest fear in praying for things so dear to my heart is this option right here. I know that the reality is that God may say no and I know this because there have been many things in my life that I have prayed for that have been very clear "no's." Even though I know He does this because it's in our best interest, I can usually only see that perspective when I'm on the other side. When I'm in the moment, my desire is so clear to me that for it to be "no" seems as if it's the end of the world. Because of this, I asked God to let me know clearly in a way that I won't be able to ignore and to walk me through the pain that comes with it. Yes, it may hurt if it's a "no" that you really wanted to be a "yes", but it's not the end of the world. It just means there's a different path planned. But know that you're allowed to be upset; God can handle that too.

3. If not yet, God will give me peace.
This one is my new favorite and the one I want to spend the most time on. That's huge for me to say because I hate waiting so I'm always wanting to hear, "yes," rather than, "not yet." But recently, I've laid down my stubbornness and started to grasp the idea that my resisting waiting is not making it go faster, it's just making me miserable! In some situations though, waiting is just that. There's no ulterior motive on God's end, you're just waiting for the perfect time for God to drop the answer to your prayer in your lap. In other words, if you're waiting but through much prayer you still feel like what you're praying for is something God's ordained and He's not said, "no" to then it may just not be time!

As a teacher, I truly can say I love my job and my kids, but I also have to honestly admit that I do have some pet peeves. They range from tattling to asking to go to the bathroom at inopportune times. However, one of the biggest ones that just irritates me to no end is when students tell me it's time to go to lunch when it's not quite time to go yet. I know this sounds dramatic, and I think I have a pretty good deal of patience with my students, but this one thing just grinds my gears. Usually, this is how it will go down: we are in the middle of instruction of some sort, but still have about 3 minutes before it's even acceptable for me to let them leave (I get in trouble as a teacher too you know). It will look as if I'm not paying attention to the clock given that I'm on the computer or very much involved in what I'm teaching. I have to say, to put myself in their shoes, this seems like very valid evidence! However, 9 times out of 10 I'm completely aware of what time it is because I'm just as hungry as they are! Inevitably though, someone will pipe up and say, "Miss French, it's time for lunch," as they point knowingly to the analog clock on the wall that's often a little inaccurate. I first suppress the anger that rises up within me and then once I've done that I say, "I know what time it is, you've still got a couple of minutes."

As I've said before, the Lord often teaches me things through my experiences with teaching and this is no different. I identify with my students on this level of impatience. They are so focused on eating and their desire to do so that they often lack reason. They are so blinded by hunger, and a bit of fear that they won't be able to eat lunch, that they forget all of the other days that I have let them out not only on time, but one minute early.

I know I do this with God! I know He's promised me something and He's shown me a lot about it, but as the clock ticks closer and it doesn't look like He's remembered what He said, I continue to remind Him as if He's forgotten. Now the difference between me and God is that He loves me so much that He wants me to continue to ask and doesn't get frustrated with me when I do. But regardless, just like I know what the clock says, so does God. And don't you think He desires to give us the things that we pray for as much if not more than we do?

His word promises to not withhold that which is good for us and sometimes that includes the desires of our heart, but the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. Try shifting your perspective. What if you're waiting not to make you miserable, but because it's not ready yet? If you take a half baked cake out of the oven before it's done, sure the sugary batter might satiate your sweet tooth, but will it be nearly as successful as if you had waited?

What if you are desiring the right thing, but you must acquire patience so that you can stay the course to see it through? If it's truly "not yet," you have such a crucial decision here: do I get frustrated and give up and never see and receive God's best plan for me come to pass, or do I stick with it through the momentary uncomfortable to see and receive God's best?

In my prayer, I asked for peace. I asked for this because I know just how difficult it is to stay the course with patience and contentment. I once heard that we think of peace all wrong. We think of peace as silence, stillness, and harmony. While that may be the case, we can't fully understand peace until we are faced with something that's anything but peaceful! Peace is best understood in the face of opposition. Peace is the calm while the storm is raging around you. Peace is the beauty in the midst of brokenness. Peace is resting knowing that God's got this in the midst of uncertainty.

This is where it changed for me. Don't get me wrong, my feelings didn't change at all, but rather they were redirected into their rightful places. I'm not perfect at it, but just knowing that this situation is out of my control gives me such peace and rest. There is nothing I can do to expedite God's timing, and how arrogant of me to think that I could! I am constantly choosing to believe that God will come through even if it's in the realm of "not yet." And until then, we've just got to remain faithful in doing the last thing God told us to do.

Can I level with the ladies for a second here and talk about my hair? My hair is so bizarre because if I just leave it to dry on its own, it's very frizzy and randomly wavy. Like it's not even cute beach waves either, it's just a mess. So, as a result, ever since I discovered the flat iron in the 6th grade, I've been straightening my hair nearly every day since; I prefer the way my hair looks straight to how it looks naturally. However, the entire time I've been doing this, I've always said I'd love to just find a way to style my natural hair so it looks good because I actually don't love straightening it every day; it's a ton of work and it kills my hair. I'm also really tired of going to my hairdresser and having them yell at me for it the way a dentist yells at a patient who doesn't floss. Recently, I asked one of my stylist friends what they would recommend and she recommended using a curl enhancing product and drying it with a diffuser. So, about 2 weeks ago, I tried it. Surprisingly, I didn't hate it. Even more surprising was the response I got from the people around me. I had tons of people ask if I had gotten a hair cut or asked what I had done differently. I'd also been told many times how beautiful it looked and as I began to do it more and get used to seeing myself with my "new hair", I started to believe what they were saying. One day, I looked in the mirror and actually felt happy and comfortable with my hair and the way it looked and thought how funny it was that after all that time ruining my hair with a flat iron, I felt more beautiful with my natural hair.

God uses really simple, everyday situations to teach me really complex lessons and this was one of them. Through this, I began to really realize that I was created with hair that was not straight the way I wanted it, but rather had some sort of natural curl to it. God created me that way intentionally because He, in His perfect ways, thought that Megan would be more beautiful with wavy hair (God forbid) rather than straight hair. But what I did was ruin the very beauty that I was meant to radiate all along in response to insecurity.

As humans (and especially women) we are very aware of our flaws and will do everything we can to rid ourselves of them. Whether it's an extensive skincare regiment, expensive clothing budget, or the plethora of products we will shell out tons of money for in an effort to perfect ourselves, we are always looking for a way to fix what's wrong. What if we didn't try to fix what was wrong but rather embraced it? What if the true beauty we are looking for is not behind our attempts to rid ourselves of flaws, but rather is within the very flaws themselves?

I want to switch it up a little bit for this blog post and just share a personal testimony of something that happened to me the other day in hopes that it will encourage you in some way, shape, or form.

If you didn't really know me, you'd be surprised to know that I'm actually very susceptible to timidity. It's strange because I don't really put off that vibe on the surface, but if you really know me you know that this couldn't be more true. I hide a lot behind false confidence, but by and large when it comes to big things I'm really timid. Unfortunately, my relationship with God is subject to this sometimes as well. It's a very large undertaking for me to be bold in my relationships because I've experienced so much rejection in the past. This is specifically the case when asking others for things. I'm not 100% sure of the reason, but I've somewhat gathered that it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't want to give people a reason to reject me so I don't ask for things given that it might come across as my being a burden; it's easier to do it myself because I know I won't get let down or I won't be too much for someone. Again, this is seen in my relationship with Christ. However, I've recently really just been praying for boldness to step outside of my comfort zone with others. This might mean that I initiate conversation with someone I don't know super well or I go up and talk to someone I've never met. Both very normal things, but very difficult for me! I've also been really working on boldness in my prayers with God. However, as all habits go, I fall back into timidity sometimes.

The other day I was driving to work and usually on my way to work I start my day off with prayer in my car. I had a particularly frustrating evening the night before and I was just really flustered about a great deal the next morning. When I was expressing all of my concerns to God, it was less like coherent thoughts and more like scattered fragments. I was literally so annoyed that I had no idea what I was even needing God to help me with. I continued on with this for a short while until I stopped at a stop light next to a church. Normally, I don't pay any mind to this church but for some reason (most likely the Lord) I was led to look out my passenger window. I noticed they had changed the sign. You know the one, the old school one you have to manually spell out the message with black block letters. What I read was not just a catchy phrase designed to draw people in, but to me it was God speaking to me. The sign read:

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FOR YOU?
Luke 18:41"

The verse mentioned is the ending to an account where Jesus heals a blind man. The blind man calls out twice to Jesus and says, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" To the human mind, we wonder what did he do that he needs mercy for? One would assume he means his blindness, which was viewed as sin at this time, but one cannot know for sure. That is, unless you are Jesus. However, what Jesus asked next was the verse that I saw on the sign. He said, "What do you want me to do for you?" Why did He ask that? He's the Messiah, didn't He already know?

Most likely the answer is, yes. But, I have reason to believe that Jesus asked this of the blind man because He wanted the man to ask Him specifically for what he needed. I think God does this sometimes so that when He answers our prayers, we have no other person to give credit to but Him; everything is for His glory, especially answered prayers. His word implores us to come boldly to the throne and to ask and ask again (a principle that was actually mentioned at the beginning of the very same chapter).

As I read this and pondered the boldness I knew God was trying to teach me, I chuckled and took it as a very blatant hint that I needed to be specific. You see, when I was rambling on, I was skirting around everything that I actually wanted to ask Him for in fear that I would be a burden, that He would be frustrated for my asking again, or even for fear that what I was asking for wouldn't come to pass. However, boldness takes courage and sometimes that courage is as simple as stepping out and being real with God.