One of my friends jokingly refers to this blog as a dating blog. On one hand he's right; I post a lot about relationships here because that's the season I'm in. Sue me. But recently, I've really felt led to actually live up to that stereotype with this post and here's why.

This week, I've been reading a book by Lisa TerKeurst called, It's Not Supposed to Be This Way. In it, one of the things she challenges her readers to do is to use their pain to help other people. That's always been my motivation in my story with anxiety and depression, but somehow, this most recent season felt different. I almost felt like my heartache wasn't important enough to share with others. I felt like my testimony wasn't drastic enough to share. I now know that is a lie. So all jokes aside, I'm speaking out on something that I cannot seem to find any authentic, Christian wisdom on because I feel like it's about time I used this pain for encouragement rather than its usual discouragement. Today I am writing about breakups.

Now, let me preface this by saying that this post will in no means be a post that blames anyone nor will it be a pity party; that never does any good and it's lazy. Rather, I really and truly just want to bring awareness to something I've noticed, through my own journey, that we, as Christians, are largely unequipped to handle. Since we are called to love and serve the Church, we come across a wide variety of people. I don't know much about statistics, but it stands to reason that a good percentage of our congregations are dealing with this exact thing in one capacity or another.

All of this to say. I think we, as Christians, could use some practice at handling breakups and here's why:

It's seen as the exception not the rule

The rule is, you date, you get engaged, you get married.
The exception is, you breakup.

Perhaps this is not true of your Christian culture, but I know it's true of what I've seen. Now, there's nothing wrong with this. It's a part of Christian culture because intentional relationships are a part of what we believe in. But what happens when that intentional relationship just didn't work out? We say we date to evaluate. But the thing is there's a 50/50 outcome here; you either breakup or get married. We are equipped for half of that equation. When we are unequipped for the other 50%, we can inadvertently alienate a whole subgroup of people.

I remember when I was going through my breakup, one of the first emotions I felt was embarrassment. Why? Because as Christians, we almost expect couples to make it to marriage. We have this idealistic view of relationships sometimes. We perpetuate this idea that if you can just find someone, everything else will fall in line. We are really great at giving advice about finding that someone, but that's usually where that wisdom stops.

You know who has a lot of advice about breakups? Cosmo.
You know who doesn't? Christians.

It's sad to say, but I have heard very few Biblical teachings on breakups and the very real pain that comes along with them. We just don't talk about it! Which is a problem because statistically that's a whole half of people that are struggling through this almost blindly.

The problem is, what we perpetuate through this expectation is very dangerous. Because of the fact that it's almost expected that the couple makes it to marriage, if they don't, it's almost as if we unintentionally project some sort of scrutiny on them. It's easy to feel like there's something wrong with you if your relationship didn't work out in a secular setting, but add in the pressure of Christian dating and that's not just another ballgame, it's the entire World Series. It's easy to feel ostracized in the Christian community because you and your significant other didn't make it. It's easy to feel like you don't measure up.

It's one of the most helpless feelings in the world to suffer through a breakup, and it's even worse to feel like you're alone and misunderstood in the midst of it. As the church, we are called to bear one another's burdens. We are called to walk with people and lead them to Christ, but we can't do that if we aren't equipped.

So what do we do? How can we minister specifically to people grieving from breakups? These are 5 things I think we can do as Christians to help usher our brothers and sisters back to a sense of normalcy like many of the members of my community did for me.

1. Give them time
Just as no two people are alike, no two experiences of grief are alike. There are many factors, most of which are psychological, that contribute to a person's experience with grief. The trick here is that there is no timeline for grieving. In fact, even after the initial process is over, grief has a way of still lingering about. It's messy and it's frustrating for everyone involved. But the thing is, it's a normal reaction to a loss. In fact, synapses that have been made in the brain are legitimately dying. There is more than just metaphorical death when breakups occur. Because of this, people need time and they need permission to take that time whatever it looks like for them.

2. Give them grace
There's a very real chance that during the grieving process, people will not feel like or act like themselves. This is normal given that it's a psychological phenomenon and messes with your emotions and even your personality. As Christians, we should have grace for that. Notice I didn't say we should accept it blindly. We should never run rampant with our emotions. In fact, there were a few times I did this and I had friends who called me out. And rightfully so! But in the midst of it, offer abundant grace because breakups are hard; it's very easy to not only lose the other person but also yourself too.

3. Give them space
Although it's not good to isolate oneself during a breakup, there is a place for solitude. In fact, I truly believe some of my most healing moments came from times where I was able to be alone with my emotions. I was able to sort through them, cry, pray, and honestly just spend time doing things that I enjoyed. It was in those moments where I had space that I began to rebuild myself piece by piece. If they don't want to talk about it, don't make them. If they need to be alone instead of going out with friends, let them. That is them listening to what their soul needs and that is healthy. That space is likely crucial to their healing, and your understanding as their community means more than you think.

4. Give their feelings validation
Our emotions are real and they are valid; we feel them for a reason. If we didn't have emotions, we'd walk around like robots and that's not at all what God intended. It does no good to suppress our emotions, nor does it do any good to let them reign. Regardless, we feel them just the same, and when we feel them, often we just need to know that what we are feeling is normal and that it is valid. Even if we don't understand someone's pain, it doesn't make any less valid. Just a simple acknowledgement of this truth can bring so much freedom to someone who is struggling.

5. Give them a hug
And for the love of God, give them a hug from time to time. So much healing can be transmitted from a simple hug from one believer to another. The best part? You don't have to say anything.

Yes breakups are awkward. Yes they're uncomfortable. But they're also an opportunity for ministry. The Bible says in Psalms 34:18 that God is close to the brokenhearted. Since we are vessels for God's plan for healing and freedom for people on this Earth, that means we must be close to the brokenhearted too. Breakups aren't just an opportunity, it's our responsibility to be the hands and feet of Jesus to our brokenhearted brothers and sisters.