To the 3 boys who didn't love me back,

I'm writing this open letter not to call any of you out, but rather because I'm finally coming to a place where I can sort out the purpose that each of you served in my life and be thankful for each one. I'm writing this to encourage so many others struggling with unrequited love that there is a purpose in their pain, even if it takes years to find out what it is.

To my first love (if you can call it that): You were the first boy I ever really liked and to some extent even loved. You were kind, funny, smart, and super fun to be around. I liked you not because you were the most popular person in the 8th grade, or because you were super attractive, or even because you had the best style (because really you were none of those things), but rather I liked you because of your personality. You were the first boy I ever really seriously liked apart from the casual, flippant middle school way of a different crush every hour. Yes, it's true you didn't feel the same about me, and yes I would have liked to have been the one to have told you that I liked you rather than someone else telling you, but we both know how 8th grade goes. One thing I appreciated about you though when all was said and done was your graciousness throughout the situation. When we were 14, you handled my heart better than some 24 year olds have since then. Loving you taught me, in this my first real love, that character is the most important thing in a person, and to never compromise on that. Not only because it lasts, but because it's so dang fun to love someone who is fun to be around. Loving you also taught me how to let go. My feelings lasted long beyond 8th grade (a trend that later would be characteristic of all my relationships), but eventually one day I just had to lay it down and move forward. I want to thank you though for your maturity, which was far beyond your years, where you were still my friend even after it was awkward. The friend zone wasn't as painful with you as it has been since then.

To the one who broke my heart: People reading this are going to think you're the bad guy from your pseudonym, but I want to make it clear that you're not. I don't believe that. Granted, the situation sucked and it was more unpleasant than it ever was pleasant, but that doesn't make you a bad guy. In fact, in a weird way I'm thankful for you because out of the three, I learned the most from loving you. You showed me that someone could actually be attracted to me and pursue me, which was something I questioned would ever happen. That became a reality for the first time with you. Unfortunately for you though, you were unknowingly the handsome hero in an imaginary reality that I built for myself within my own mind and when that didn't materialize the way I thought it would, the backdrop of my imaginary reality came crashing down in a crushing wave of disappointment. That part was completely on me. But the whole situation not working out wasn't all on me. Not even close. Even though you said a lot of things you never followed through on and continued in this habit long after you dropped me for someone else, I'm not angry with you...not anymore. This situation was a lot bigger than either of us and believe it or not I still think about you sometimes and wonder what you're doing. Whether your big dreams ever came true or if you have new dreams you want to pursue. Not because I still love you but because I still very much care about you. Loving you taught me how to forgive without a preceding apology, loving you taught me how to believe in someone's potential and encourage them in that, and most of all loving you taught me that I am worthy of a man who would give so much more than I was wanting (and much to my dismay, not receiving) from you.

To the one who seemed perfect: I still don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to think about you. On paper, and quite frankly on every other medium imaginable, you are the whole package. You are everything I prayed for and then some save this one thing: you couldn't care less about me. I've never felt so invisible in my life, not even with "the first love" and "the one who broke my heart." You are the hardest one to reconcile because by all counts it doesn't make sense. But, I'm still thankful because as much as I want to scream at you and tell you what for, loving you has taught me a great deal as well. I've learned how to seek God in my prospective relationships right out of the gate, which is something I was previously not doing. Loving you has taught me to be bold. I've done and said things I never would have done or said if you weren't on the receiving end. And possibly most importantly, loving you has taught me that I'm worthy and deserving of being unashamedly pursued which is something that, although I wanted you to do for a long time, you didn't do and probably never will.

To some degree I still love all of you. And please note I use love in a very loose way really because I don't know another way to describe it. You three are really the closest I've ever been to loving anyone and quite honestly I don't even think the love I have for all three of you even measures up to what real love is like. Mostly though, I still care about all of you. Not for any weird reason, but because you were important to me in one season of my life or another and just because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to doesn't mean I can't still root for you. I don't choose to like trash; I choose people I can see value in. I saw something in each one of you that I thought was worth caring about and your lack of attention doesn't change my posture towards you. It's true you never loved me back and in each instance I had to mourn an imaginary life that would never materialize, but I loved you nonetheless and loving each of you has taught me so many invaluable lessons. Hands down the greatest lesson I've learned from all three of you though is that human love will always pale in comparison to God's love. Where you ignored me, God gave me His undivided attention; where you said I wasn't good enough, God said, "You are good enough through me."; where you broke my heart, God restored it; where you never pursued, God ran towards me unashamedly; where you chose someone else above me, God said, "I chose you and I choose you. You are mine." And whoever does end up getting my whole heart in marriage will be the one to emulate that godly love. I hope you find that too because you deserve it.

Love always,
Megan